december 6th

on monday, yesterday, talya and i talked for a few hours while quinn and simona went to a union meeting. we talked about weil. i tried to express my interest and like for weil without having to elaborate and without giving off the wrong impression of my beliefs in god or godly things or things like god. i dont know if i succeeded or what success is in this context

december 9th

friday. i went on a long walk today. hour and a half. most of it wasnt spent walking but enough of it was that i would call it a walk. i had read a poetry book that i ordered months ago before going on this walk. it's called every book is about the same thing. when i set off for the walk i thought to my self "palliative, this is palliative" then thought "no, this isn't palliative, walks arent supposed to be palliative" then googled what palliative meant and thought "this walk is to make me feel more insane than that book made me feel" i now have an intense desire to direct my attention towards something deserving.

december 12th

(about noon) i spent so long grading exams for these students yesterday and i kept getting really annoyed and too upset when they answered things in annoying ways that made me grade slower and spend more time on it when i could have been doing literally anything else. it took like ten hours. i was being mean and taking off too many points but got nicer at the end so im sorry for the people directly in the middle of the grading group who i was the meanest to. like all of you have As though so please die and stop making me regrade your exams for .05% of your final grade being bumped up. i was slouched over for most of it. im wearing the same shirt i was wearing yesterday while i graded today. it's a mother's band shirt. i finished mao ii this morning. it got worse the more i read. at the beginning he describes someone watching the hillsborough disaster on a muted tv at night. that was beautiful and sad. he described other scenes not as beautifully or as sad, nor as chaotic and aggressive. atleast not as much as i wanted them to be.

december 13th

(just before nine) good day got a lot done good day. talked to zidovska at nyu. going to apply and go to nyu. if i get in. and if i can get three letters for my application. good day. texted this thought earlier. it's so decadent of me to try and live in every city, but i will. surround your self with the decadent. not decadence. act like youve grown up in rural canada. act like you get to eat an orange once a year. and then every time you eat an orange youll wonder why you dont eat them more. that's the the way we should act. lose the habit. if you get into habit youll suddenly realize youve spent too much time without memories. as theyve all been combined and coalesced into one experience and feeling of a place. its not bad. its not even undesired but i want to remember every single slice of bread i eat. i dont know if you want to but i do. i want to remember forever that the toast i made with the sesame seeds in the crust (the bread that i sliced and froze because good bread freezes so well, the bread that i walked and got because i want to eat simple things like bread with butter and nothing else), that that bread, because it was frozen thawed faster at the edges than in the middle. that the heating element in the toaster applied more heat to the edges than to the center because the bread wasnt shaped to go into the toaster. and that because of all of this i tasted burned sesame seeds and that i loved it.

december 14th

(it's 1 am of the 15th) today sucked because i made a dumb error that was annoying to correct and felt stupid and useless and i never want to attach a number or number equivalent to the quality of someone or something again. i got two tattoos today, and had my rib piece filled in. the rib piece is the only tattoo i have that makes me feel emotional or that i have an emotional feeling towards at all beyond liking how it looks. i had written "i like how it looks" intead of liking how it looks but ending a quote with a period inside it that wasnt originally there seems wrong and putting a period after a quotation mark also feels wrong. my rib tattoo is framed. it has two people, one is facing out one is facing away. theyre crawling on the ground. theyre in a field on what seems like a hill with some trees in the back ground. rolling hills. theyre on the ground and theyre feeling what i imagine to be inconsolable. theyre facing eachother. on my right upper arm above my lamp i got a small tree in a small frame. on my right calf i got four birds flying. i had the birds placed such that when i sit with my right leg up, not crossed, but up on my left leg, that i can see them.

december 15th

december 16th

(im writing this at 730 am the 17th) ive finished sending out my rec letters for nyu, and ive written a draft of my statement of purpose. im so on top im so on top of things right now. everything is working. im leaving for florida night of the 18th. if anyone reads this on time tell me what book i should bring with me. im thinking goethe's color theory book. everything is working out i think.

december 18th

(again at 730 am) i have a flight tonight to go back to florida to see my parents. my brothers and sil and nieces will be there too in a few days. i did little yesterday besides read. i did my laundry but i havent finished. my linens and clothes are still in the basket. its a basket ive had for years. tommy gave it to me i think beginning of junior year. i had asked for him to hold onto some of my stuff and he did and he gave it back to me in this generic white plastic laundry basket. i'm reading poetics of space. im getting into design. "orderliness. harmony. / piles of sheets in the wardrobe / lavender in the linen"

december 20th

(about 2 pm) i landed in florida yesterday. this place makes me feel insane. i feel insane. the ocean is so beautiful. i can hear it constantly from my parents condo. i hate the word condo. it's full of evil and ill will. i can hear the ocean now. its over cast today and nice out. it's not chill its nice out. there's a fog coming in and im drinking $35 sparkling wine that kind of sucks that i convinced my mom to buy. she seems to trust my opinion on wine. i only bought (used her debit card) this wine because i hadnt had a semi-expensive california sparkling made in the traditional champagne style. what an awful statement to type out. it makes me feel undeserving, i dont know of what but of something. my siblings are coming on thursday. im here for a while. i need to finish writing my nyu app stuff. the professor whose lab i will be joining just told me to use my old letter and update with what ive been doing since coming here. getting fucked over mainly. im rewriting most by atleast half. im a much better writer now and know even better what i did and will do and want to do. my dad has the most insane dad facial hair right now, you know the kind, the like -- i dont know the actual style's name -- mustache but connected down the sides of the mouth into the front facial hair with no hair on the cheeks or out the side. the kind you really only see on 50-70 year old men or 40 - 50 year old men who you shouldnt ever be around.

december 22nd

(15 til 11 am) percy said i remind them of virginia woolf (they actually said "is that virginia woolf she's soooooo you" when i sent them a photo of a letter she wrote, if i knew how to upload images well and size them and make them fit into these well i'd do that now, but as i am now, i will have to wait to upload images into the blog because i am busy finishing things that need to get done and do not have time to do this now) i dont know anything about virginia woolf. i immediately googled her and then read her suicide not and felt awful and still feel awful when i remember it. grey cat is sitting next to me with her paws dangling off of a chair. i bit my finger nails too short yesterday on my drive home. i saw kim yesterday. we started a puzzle her ex gave her and its definitely missing pieces and its the edge pieces which is worst ones to be missing. it's an image of a wizard flying on a dragon's back casting a spell above a castle. most of the design is just lightly starred blue-black sky that i cant tell anything apart on because im mildly colour blind. we walked to the beach and the water was so close to the dunes and i kept thinking of the scene in aftersun when the dad walks into the ocean.

december 23rd

(5 pmish) reading poetics of space. halfway down about. not actually, i'm a little before halfway. my two favorite poetic lines that he's used so far are the following: "I dreamed of a nest in which the trees repulsed death" and "I dreamed of a nest in which the ages no longer slept." i think im just obssessed with the feelings trees give to me. or just of the feelings poems sometimes give me. bachelard said he read poetry every day and even divided his life into two parts: before and after he started doing that. is two colons too many for so few sentences. "After the fifth day / with you / i pressed the / rose you brought me / into one of fanon's books. / it has no odor now. / but / i see you. handing me a red / rose and i remember / my birth." reading this poem made me feel like it was a mistake that i wasnt currently on the floor. i think i would also divide my life into two parts, before and after i read weil, before and after i started to feel insane and overwhelmed all the time, before and after poetry started making me want to throw up, and before and after trees were too big. these happened over the course of a couple of years but it might as well have been an instant. looking back this all happened at the same moment in my life and now its just how i live and everything before this doesnt really matter. i posted this and reread it and now i dont know if i agree with it. it probably all matters but im not thinking about it as much. at some point i was upset about things and now im not and everything is fine and ok and good even.

december 27th

(almost 10:30 am) just had breakfast with abbey. havent written in a few days. finishing my applications. family makes me feel insane florida makes me feel insane. havent read all that ive wanted to read this past week. updating because i just read something from some pseudo fashion blog that i subscribed to apparently that i dont remember subscribing to. it's called human repeller. in it she's talking about new year's eve and outfits for new years eve and relating it all to this movie called daisies about consumption and decadence and other things. i dont know i havent watched the movie and even finished the blog post yet because she said the phrase "you want to look like a still life of a rotting boquet" what a beautiful way to look. flowers naturally dry out quickly. but to make them rot you have to keep watering them. even spray them with water. decay as a fundamental part of existence. to enter into decay via flowers is to actively push for a return away from a particular existence. dried flowers maintain their shape for a long time, but they become brittle. a rotting flower would collapse and lose its form. i dont know what im saying. im almost done with my nyu app. everything is going well. (10:39 am) kyle just told me how he started feeding ravens in his neighborhood once and they brought him a nest full of dead baby birds.

december 28th

i finished poetics of space today. ive said this a million times already but its rewired my brain. this is my most recent bookmark on twitter and it makes me sad when i read it.