feb 3rd

(2:25 pm) i feel really really bad. im going to skip class today and do something (anything) else. ive been reading in search of lost time. i didnt know it was possible to put so many colons and semicolons into a single sentence. i heard proust died due to the cold, due to his inability to start a fire by himself. i could have made this up. it makes sense to me so im going to believe it for no reason other than his wikipedia doesnt say anything about how he died so it's probably true.

feb 4th

(~6 pm) that lamp i got last week from trixie (was it last week?) is in the corner of my room. like the far fucking corner. on the other side of my bed and my bed is basically flush to the wall. so i cant even get to it really unless im already in bed or like, clean enough that i feel comfortable getting into bed. my sheets are beautiful and white and linen and today i had to unclog a toilet so i feel like ill never be clean again. im sitting here typing with overhead light on which the entire point was that i was never going to need overhead light again but now it seems necessary because i dont know how to attach or if its even possible to connect the switch at the entrance to the plug by my bed so that i . no ive decided its not and am very upset. today has been very hard. not actually hard but mentally unwell and i hate feeling dirty. i dont mind being dirty. i had no issue cleaning and fixing the bathroom but now i feel like itll never be clean again and i dont know when i will feel clean again. going to go eat pizza. i havent been reading enough. im reading autobiography of red right now, simona's copy, theyre gonna see this and im sorry for telling you this way, but i wish you didnt give me your copy to borrow to read because i know i need my own copy because i knew i was going to love it and now ive already started and i am going to finish it and not have my own copy and i refuse to buy a copy of a book ive already read if i dont intend on rereading it. i wont want to reread it for atleast a bit... i have other things to read that im already not reading i dont know if i have time to get all of this done.

feb 6th

(2:14 pm) ive been reading every essay by this person, Leijia Hanrahan. shes why i felt so bad three days ago. im not going to elaborate too much or ill feel even more bad. in her articles and essays she'll link other things and im also reading all of those. im reading one right now called "we are all very anxious" im going to quote something in this. its talking about how in the current mode of capitalism the main affect pushed onto us is boredom and how we are simultaneously more and less connected than ever. "an absurd non-choice between desocialised inclusion and desocialised exclusion." "Precarity differs from misery in that the necessities of life are not simply absent. They are available, but withheld conditionally" the previous affect was misery. for much of the world that is still the dominant mode. for much of the west that is still the dominant mode. i turn 25 in a few months... ill type more of this later... tomorrow maybe... i dont know where im going with this. i didnt know where i even wanted to go when i started... tomorrow...

feb 9th

if i get into nyu im going to be moving so soon. i only like la in the winter and late fall. only when it seems like its cold and it could rain. as soon as its hot, as soon as the feeling of driving is no longer something easier but something required... moreso than it already is... then i want to pull my hair out. i told narkis that if society collapsed i wouldnt make it because i need to eat a different cultures food every single day. the only thing i can eat every day is nothing. im spoiled. im decadent. a gourmand even. gluttinous and needing (deserving) of so much more than everything ever. what im saying is i currently only have two sachets of english breakfast tea left, and i have no idea what tea to use to replace it. i dont want to buy the same and i refuse to buy any tea that comes with the bags wrapped in plastic. apparently most of the bags are just plastic. tea bags were originially silk and were used to display tea that merchants were selling. some of the customers just dropped the tea filled silk bags into water. i am deserving of drinking tea that has been filtred through silk. i dont know if i am deserving of using anything beyond tap water, but the tea must have touched silk at some point. later, today or tomorrow, i will walk to the expensive grocery store near me, i will buy their housemade apricot jam and a loaf of locally baked sesame sour dough and i will make toast using the jame and some imported french butter that i still have. i will eat this with the last of my plastic covered tea and will probably feel ill.

feb 10th

im so sick. when i become sick, it follows a very obvious trajectory. yesterday morning i felt a little bad and i continued to feel worse as the day went on. i decided i was officially sick a little after 4 pm. i then had soup went home and laid down. for the next 6 hours i would fall asleep and wake up covered in sweat. if i was awake i would be either trying to fall asleep or hunched over on my forearms and knees staring down feeling really bad. i woke up had tea made congee and dont feel really bad anymore, just bad. the congee reduced the severity of my illness so something bearable. i used a rice cooker to make it. i used the lines in the rice cooker. i flavored it with ginger, bay, shallot, and boullion. i had two hard boiled eggs with it. i topped it with organic soy sauce. i ate almost all of it. i havent written any poetry in months. i write more because of this blog, but it isnt that much more. its more regular and more not a lot. i need to write a lot. if you do something a lot and stay bad at it, and dont like it, i think thats cause enough to stop. i usually become good at anything i do a lot. im already okay at writing and dont write a lot so if i write a lot i should become good at it. if i start writing a lot and dont become good at it i think that would be a little embarrassing for me (personally). i was supposed to go to the dmv today to get my real id and i was going to get a new photo taken but my illness isnt one that makes me beautiful for cameras only beautiful in general.

feb 11th

it mustve been terrible to be the first person to be scalded by hot water in an unnatural way. pottery wouldnt have been good enough to boil water for a long time after it was first produced. water is only hot in nature at geysers, bad things happen to people near those occasionally still, not often, but still.

feb 12th

i dont know if aging is a tragedy. are things that are expected and unavoidable tragic, maybe. tragedy of the structure if it is. poems by old poets make me feel really bad. more bad than most things which is saying a lot.

feb 20th

i dont like green juice all that much, but i feel like i should so i drink it. it has medicinal properties. like if a child mixed of plants into a paste and gave it to you. you must eat them or feign eating them. it doesnt actually matter. the effect will be the same, it will heal you. like tea you forgot about and is now cold. its been sitting there for hours, its bitter to an extreme degree, even though you didnt brew it with boiling water. youre not supposed to use boiling water. youre never really supposed to use boiling water for anything. strong tea has medicinal properties. sugar in coffee (no milk) has medicinal properties. clean sheets have medicinal properties. none of these will cure you or should be treated like a cure. and they must not be used as treatment. i had toast with black sesame paste that i spent $17 on. not out, at a store. its black. black foods are medicinal. they might be able to cure you.

feb 27th

the hot new thing is memorizing poems. not even old poems necessarily, not even ones that have the proper meter and structure where the entire point of the poem was to have a way of memorizing the story of memorizing the entire story. but memorizing contemporary ones. free verse, poetry thats really just a short story without the story structure. ones that require a lot of attention and difficulty to memorize. and you should memorize the line structure too, you should repeat it back in a way in your head and outloud in such a way that a potential listener could write down the poem so that it matches with the book's (and your annotation in the book's) structure. only choose poems that make you feel really really bad and sad and place the feeling it gives you in your mind palace so that you can do a party trick that is just burting into tears and making everyone feel weird when you cant actually stop that quickly.