(9 pm) dont worry everyone ive figure out everything. everything makes sense now and all of the writing and everything will proceed unnaturally smoothly from now on. simona gave me their laptop they accidentally took (stole) from germany so now im a mac girle. on the 4th of july a doll called me an "alt lit girlie" so im that too. after i said yes to this she immediately brought up someone i have never read or even heard of, but none of that matters because simona told me how to use git on my new stolen mac. im a command line girlie now. going to change it to green text on a black background. going to type only in the dark like i am now. when was my last update? it doesnt matter. all that matters is i can type now and my laptop doesnt have to be plugged into the wall for it to turn on. my screen is no longer broken which is a minus though because i found the purple and green so pleasing and it made me so aware of something. i dont know what but of something. ive read two books sense my last update. not a lot but enough. another mfk fisher book and a 1913 german scifi about a kind star and selfless beings. both were good but the mfk fisher book convinced me to buy a bunch of sherry and drink it constantly and that is more directly impactful to my day to day life. i just gooled the actual name of the mfk fisher book and i have the lame cover because im a local bookstore girlie now. i need to be the most fuckable on the stories back patio for some reason (not no reason but some potentially unknown reason. (because what else is there to do isnt a very good reason)) i like mfk fisher a lot and will keep reading her and will read everything she wrote maybe ill even make some of her recipes she writes down, i think she has actualy cookbooks but everything ive read by her is more like her dicking around and telling little stories about food and eating then throwing a mostly useless recipe at the end. well, not mostly useless to me. earlier, i dont remember when, but earlier i wrote some recipes in some posts that were descriptive but not quantitative. qualitative at best. hers read like those if they were actually trying to tell you what to do. i would never tell you what to do i would only describe to you how great those cool wax beans are and what i did to (try to) make them. i have covid.
(6:38 pm) i started reading miranda july's the only good man. i lied its called the first bad man.. close enough.
(almost 11 am) completely forgot to finish yesterdays post. totally forget to keep reading the book and to do other things i just fell asleep and woke up covered in sweat instead. i ate an excessive amount of chinese american food and the most mid dumplings ever yesterday. enjoying the mac girlie lifestyle except that i cant heart react messages people send me. i can only send photobooth photos and emojis. sending something from my phone to my computer is for work and for emails only. texts are far too casual far too normal and friendly to do that. you just wont get it from me. and if you are getting it from someone they must either have a system down or love you very much and you should love them even more. not to say i dont love (general) you, but to say you should send me an email so i can actually tell you how much i feel. texts should be short and i have a lot to say and i am so particular. texts are short and i have a lot to say and i am so particular. have not spilled anything today yet and did not spill anything yesterday. abstract spilling is now allowed for the summer of spilling. just realized i have not brought up how this is the summer of spilling. ive dropped so many items and sent so much liquid this summer its starting to make me upset. it has made me upset and very very upset at that. ive spilled wine on my sheets, beer on my sheets, perfume in a parking lot, liquid iv on a rug, a glass of wine (and all of the glass that formed the glass, and probably more. ive become worried about all of this tea i have next to my bed...
(20 to 5pm) applying arbitrary rules to yourself just for fun. ive decided for the next month (maybe actually like two weeks) that the only land protein ill eat is lamb. no actual reason why except ive been craving lamb a lot recently and it's the only actual meat that ive found satisfying to eat. only because it's the only meat animal that has to be free range and can't be put into feedlots. aka the worst possible scenario for the environment. how evil this separation between bulk and singular is. i dont know if evil is a term that can even be applied to this... maybe just unfortunate. i cant talk about bataille anymore so i have to end this thought here.
(morning) cool light is beautiful and it holds and overwhelms. my room never gets direct sunlight my room is always bathed in cool light. light must difract and bend past the taller house next door and the trees taller than my window. it must grovel in the dirt even for a chance to enter. my room is the coldest in the house. the air the blows in from the windows is the coolest. it holds onto the air from the ac better and gets so so much more than any other room in the house. every thing in this room belongs where it is. nothing is out of place and when the postcards i hangup fall down, thats where they belong. ill put them back up when thats no longer where theyre supposed to be. so ill never put them back up. my bed frame will collapse and i will sleep on the floor. my lamp will shatter my overhead lights will pop and ill live fully in the dark cool light unable to pick myself up.
(afternoon) a potentially near exhaustive list of everything im going to do with the one spoon im bringing to nyc: eat ricotta, cook eggs, eat eggs, make pasta, cook pasta, eat pasta, stir cocktails, snort ket, stir beer cocktails (beer is really good when mixed with things even just random things, lemon and beer on ice is surprisingly good when its really hot out), smack simonas head so it dings, dig lead paint chips out of peoples window sills, spin it around in my fingers like its a pen and im bored in class, measure spices while cooking, stir pots of soup or sauce or something or anything while cooking, eat lead paint chips, say "sorry my spoon is dirty" when offering someone something to eat at my house and theyll have to wait a bit before they can chow down, save a page in a book im reading, garner inspiration from, appreciate it and the careful design and thought that went into it. there are many things im going to do besides this so im leaning very hard into the word potentially i wrote at the beginning of this. if i care enough to remember how to upload photos and things ill add one of it here later. ciao
(hot afternoon) herbs make me so happy. so so happy. old herbs old and unchanged begging to be used on everything we eat. ive been reading more mfk fisher. she said that if we didnt eat we'd find some other way to nourish and heal and love eachother, but of course, we do eat. so then we love and nourish and heal eachother through food and with so much more.