(8:45 pm) youve got to understand that i am not going to go to barcade the original bar arcade. youve got to understand that im not going to go anywhere where the average clientelle is millenials, first dates, and millenials on first dates. unless its a wine bar. there are two wine bars near me. one i frequent and one i intend on frequenting. only one is gentrifying its area really too which is nice. the gentrifying one is next to the gentrifying coffee shop in a very quiet neighborhood. it's modeled after portuguese wine bars which means its menu is full of sea food and costs 5 times as much as any nearby restaurant. god i cant wait to go. im going to go with megan. and, im not sure if you can believe this, but they both serve natural wine and list the bakery where they get their bread from.
(7 am) ive been up for an hour and i dont know what ive been doing. narkis is maybe leaving tomorrow for his drive back to chicago. hes maybe leaving right now for his drive back to chicago. ive been having a lot of issues messaging people back or typing or writing in general. in my head ive switched over to being only contactable by letter but im not but ive been treating all of those other ways of contact as if they were letters. weeks for replies. except faith, faith needs to text me back i wont grovel for a reply... no ill text faith and ill ask her "do you hate me" then spend a very long time describing the caramels im eating right now, how the box cost $16 which comes out to like 80 cents a caramel. they big but theyre not that big. i kind of wish there were more and tehy were smaller to be honest. its like $2.5 per oz. i dont know if thats a good deal, its definitely way more expensive than a lot of things i eat in my life, which is probably a bad thing. i try to only eat organic now because i think its funny and if i eat too much garbage i want to throw up sometimes. the caramel is made with fennel pollen which is probably why its so expensive. it has the most mild anise flavor. i just read their slogan or whatever on the box "explore - enjoy - share - repeat" there is a seafood restaurant that my parents love in florida that i am extremely ambivalent about called the melbourne seafood station: i'll randomly remember their slogan they had up one day and start dry heaving because it was so funny. i dont even remember the entire slogan just two words. more restaurants should be "playful" and "industrious" these caramels are playful. instead of industrious i would use something like "craftful" if that is even a word or "artful" or something else that doesnt actually mean anything. ive had like 6 of these caramels in the past 30 minutes and now my stomach hurts so bad. ciao
(3:50 pm) allegedly i have a master's degree now. allegedly i am also unemployed. the top of the text editor i am using and that i use to type up these blogs says it is unregistered. i dont know what that means. soon i will be making the switch away from my dell to a mac because i only use computers for science and browsing and wouldnt it be nice, wouldnt it be very nice to be able to text back my friends while i am looking at my screen. wouldnt it be a little funny to turn off my phone so i have more time to look at my screen to read more and type so much more and somehow also text more. reading more anne carson, ive been reading float by her: i got my copy for only like 50 dollars on ebay when every other copy is like 150. i never know what shes actually talking about in her books, i guess this time shes talking about the oddyssey. float is a collection of short chapter books bundled together and sold together but they dont have to be read together. its probably completely unnecessarily to read them as i have been all together, one after the other and piling them up. i need to reread autobiography of red. but only the first half, only the part when geryon is so young and hasnt hidden his red red wings yet. she keeps citing proust; everyone cites proust. everyone loves proust. i've read about ten pages of proust total and will read ten more today. i think i also love proust even if the copy of swann's way is the "penguin great novels of the 20th century" edition. im sure there are more great novels of the 20th century than the two dozen listed at the beginning of this copy. who are they to decide when it should be up to me to be the final decider of the list. im gonna read more anne carson now and ten more pages (atleast) of proust. ciao
(2 pm) i havent been using my laptop so i keep forgetting to update and to write and to put my thoughts into a more permanent way aka i have to plug in my laptop for it to turn on and i think thats annoying. i am sick. my throat hurts and my head is foggy, my eyes ache. from where i am sitting i can see far away trees moving through a window not too far away. the trees fully dominate the window. i can only see the trees moving and the sky that that makes it through the branches and leaves. i think im sick because i bought two books yesterday when i told myself i wasnt going to buy anymore books until i had read all that i had wanted to. i found more that i wanted to. one is by mfk fisher; ive read one book by her. i think it was this year. i just checked it was the second book i finished this year. shes getting popular i think ive seen her works in multiple book stores now. everything she writes is on the ritual of food and everyone (including me) has been obsessed with ritual recently. if i could i would change my life so that i have always been obsessed with ritual all the way back to as long as anyone ever could remember. the other book is some 1913 german scifi that walter benjamin was apparently obsessed with which i didnt know until i bought it. im going to write a quotation from chapter 1 now.
"why, then, do all these satellites allow themselves to be chaine by the big sun? i think it must be mainly because of their boundless curiosity and boundless admiration. neither of the two big stars cosest to the sun rotates on an axis. they stare constantly at the sun and are blown away by intoxicated admiration. the third star, known to us as earth, isn't dragged along as powerfully as the others by the intensity of the sun's energy. it still turns on its own axis. it hasnt forgotten that it, too, was once a sun. its moon stars just as fixedly at earth as those two big stars stare ath the sun. i almost feel the way those two stars do, even though i am no star and never will be. but those raging storms on the sun's surface - that intense, wild inexhaustible, shivering life of flames, light, and sparks - they tempt me too. what can you say to such indescribable strength, such monstrous speed, such a defiant spurting excess of life? i wish i could make myself impervious to the interactions of matter on the sun's surface; i wish i could make myself invisible so i could stand there just once in the moddle of all those great specklike and prtuberant life forms, and simple watch and wonder at their existence. it would be the greatest of intoxications - an intoxication compared to which the happiness of those satellite stars is nothing but a sleepy-headed torport. oh - if only i could go there!" isnt that lovely. i hope this character isnt a fascist or something im only on page 20.
(4:30 pm) i can now update while on my phone. i just remembered bc my phone is up to date now. it has been up to date but my phone broke today and i got a new one so now i can forsure update while out and about. while so out and about. my eyes hurt for some reason and i feel like crying. i think im just dehydrated.
(1:17 pm) im at the de young museum in san francisco. paid $6 (student price) to enter. then learned that the modern wing is free. i paid $6 to look at a 1800s portrait of george washington when looking at cool lines was free. im never going to recover from this setback, emotionally or financially.
(am) im worried im going bald. extraordinarily worried.
(1 am) simona and i are stuck in traffic. i am still worried about going bald. i had to piss in a no longer reusable water bottle. were stuck in the freeway that connects the central valley to la. someone died which makes me feel bad about being annoyed by the traffic but im still annoyed