(5:20 pm) i still havent read everything that leijia hanrahan has written and published online. this makes me feel bad. i write a lot about feeling bad. im going to put in some quotes and phrases fully ripped out of context from her translation of the article 'the irreducible gap': "the search for parallelisms rather than implications turns out to be equivocal" "The indifferent becoming of matter and the predominance of consciousness" "Gold = festivals = joy = splendor" "Money must negate itself as a commodity in order to become an external intermediary" "Sexual history is marked by two essential facts: 1) The negation of feminine sexuality. 2) The displacement of sexuality out of the productive sphere specific to man" "The search for links that might put an end, at least on a theoretical level, to the separation between the various moments of social organization has thus far avoided neither partiality nor abstractness" "the less a woman's sexuality is covered by other structures (material, religious, ideological) the more it reveals its violent and forced kinship with motherhood, illness and death" here is a link to the article. it was pretty okay. i didnt process most of it or even enough to determine if it was good outside of the things ive quoted. i'll reread it later after ive finished the things leijia has written as opposed to things shes translated. albeit, the difference between translation and writing isnt all the big.
(11:26 am) so much time. such a big delay. it felt like i just wrote this previous entry like i just read those things by leijia but its been over a week. i dreamed i was in ny last night i dreamed i was in a hotel and it had a lobby on the 15th floor. so many people were going around, checking in, going about their day. i wasnt paying attention to them. how boring. there were many people in my room. some were people i knew. why are hotels so stale why are so many places so stale. as if you arent supposed to be there. im on the 3rd floor of the caltech library. caltechs librarys are boring and feel like youre not supposed to be there. the library study space in the other building thats on the 9th floor of that building closes at 5pm. why arent i supposed to be there. its a stale room, the seats for studying in are sectioned off with frail plastic dividers. there are large windows on the north side of the building that let you see a wide view of the san gabriel mountains. none of the sectioned of area for studying have this taken into account. the seats are low, the rims of the windows are high, even standing there the windows are too high. im currently reading zeros + ones by sadie plant. isnt weaving so beautiful, dont you thing that your clothes are beautiful. your clothes should be beautiful. just because they were woven. looms were the first computers, the first applications of algorithms and predictions. of taking a pattern and repeating itself into its own structure continuously. my shirt's weave only goes over and under in maybe two near identical colors but thats still beautiful.
(10 am) going on a little walk to the little coffee shop to read a book somewhere besides my bed. change of scenery. different coffee different place. its necessary for health to drink espresso somewhere else especially if that somewhere else is cute or far away from your home. if i owned an espresso machine it would be a failure and an attempt to destroy the life structure ive decided on for the next 5 years. i dont know where my moka pot is so i havent been using it (not a machine, a device, no electricity) my land lady works nights so i dont make coffee in the morning often even though she says its fine if i do things in the morning but i dont believe her. instant coffee is in. as are beautiful ceramic mugs to put your instant coffee in. who has time to really truly make coffee when you should be wallowing on linen and rewriting sentences.
never reading enough. its almost 11pm. finished a poetry book today. someone brought up bataille. i havent read enough bataille, i opened up my copy of inner experience by him. i didnt realize i had gotten 50 pages in. i thought i had stopped reading it earlier in. everything i underlined in here makes me feel insane, everything hes written here makes me feel insane. i refuse to read people's criticisms of him or to take them seroiously. i dont care if he's a "vulgar nietzchean vitalist" what does that mean. shut up. i read him and he makes me want to throw up: as if i havent done enough. this is a good feeling, here is a selection of things i underlined months ago, i dont remeber where or when i read these, i think sometime between the beginning of november and the new year... maybe: "i grasp while sinking that the sole truth of man, glimpsed at last, is to be a supplication without response" "what counts is no longer the statement of wind, but the wind" "i live by tangible experience and not by logical explanation" "he who does not 'die' from being merely a man will never be other than a man" "every human being not going to the extreme limit is the servant or the enemy of man" i mustve blocked this all out. this is all melodramatic, these arent good quotes the rip out of context, theres build up theres reason for his saying these for writing an entire book about how much he wants and his inability to describe his want without bringing himself to an intense grief.
somehow ive turned this semi regular and have been typing once a week. how unfortunate it is to be a body. the other day i tried remaking a recipe from a restaurant nearby that i like to go to called cool wax beans. i tried remaking it off pure instinct (i didnt have wax beans or any idea how to make the dressing) and it turned out okay, good even maybe. at costco months ago i bought fucking rose vinegar that tastes like it was made from rose that tastes like how people expect rose to taste. i fucking hate provencial rose every place describes it the exact same way and uses the same tasting notes. the vinegar is so mild and not nearly acidic enough, i kind of want to leave it out and try and get it to referment so i can get that acidic burn into it. ok anyway, recipe for cool wax beans. i already wrote it down, but now im going to type it out more clearly than my two pages i typed out. ok blanch some wax beans (or green beans), toast and coarsley chop some hazle nuts, thinly slice some serranos. make a thick emulsified french vinagrette. i have no idea how to make this, i made an aioli and flavored it with dijon, the rose vinegar and olive oil and some shallots and that was like half right. i think you should make a full egg mayonnaise thats like 50-50 vegetable and olive oil, than thin it out a bunch with french-y herbs and red wine vinegar and dijon. i also used trader joes dijon but thats like, the worst dijon ive ever had and i still have an entire fucking jar of it. try this out and let me know what you think. serve it cool but not cold.
im getting into design. im getting into looking at things in a way that is more deserving. i was listening to a podcast on bataille because i love bataille and im obsessed with his thoughts and how his thoughts make me feel. the guest is a prolific translator of bataille and was a professor at a design school for ten years and would teach his students about bataille and acephale and various explicitly nonartistic movements to see how they would interpret them into art. i started reading interaction of color by josef albers. its going to feel ridiculous continuing on with science when i only want to do it at this point because i want to do everything. my lasting effect on the world of science will to create the most beautiful images of the application and continuation of our lives, of our cells, moving and producing. i dont actually care about the actual topics i only care about producing the beautiful images of life. bataille believes humans are unique but not in a humanist way, in that humans create an embarassment and a delay in the life of the sun that nothing else has or does. a discontinuity in the continuity of everything else, heterogeneity and homogeneity.