(10:45 am) yesterday i attempted to go see a jodorowsky movie and was denied by "technical difficulties" (the projector would not work) they gave me a refund and a free movie ticket or just a free movie ticket i dont know. tonight i am seeing paris texas which i know will be good and beautiful. i havent been writing as much as ive wanted to, i havent been reading as much as ive wanted to. ive actually been dedicating a lot of time towards physics and working and learning the things i wish i already knew. i think i do this in general towards so many things, but specifically right now it is towards physics... for better or worse. i am also 100 pages into moby dick and maybe thats also good enough. im also 100 pages or more into many other books and thats fine and good too. today i will get a lot done. today i will cook myself food and do physics and read more moby dick and do laundry and respond to texts and clean my bathroom and sweep my floors and look beautiful in various and multitudinous positions. also maybe buy a very expensive toaster which is the most important thing possible.
(9:22 am) im surrounded by nerds and am suffering damage directly to my soul. ive switched to drinking coffee with milk to ease my weak weak stomach. ive decided that 1 week of this is bad for my soul so ive gone back to black coffee this morning. im going to drink so much im healed. im going to drink so much im cured of... everything... forever. the coffee is room temp now and tasts like the bottom of a bag of microwaved popcorn. not ideal. good description of most things. not ideal. studying trying to get these problems to make sense in my head and i dont have enough time in the day to get everything done i want done. not ideal. i lack the energy to cook all the meals i want with the intensity i want to after working all day. not ideal. its supposed to be fall but the temperature is still easily warm enough for shorts. not ideal. im wearing shorts and a jacket and clogs rn... this is actually ideal. clogs are ideal. left overs for dinner? not ideal, unless youre into that and i hope you arent. i havent drank enough coffee to start shaking yet. im going to switch to tea for a bit to see if that also works. earl gret is ideal unless its trader joes brand which is the only bad tea ive ever had. except like, maybe lipton. i reall like living in new york and have been mostly satisfied and calm. not ideal. only satisfied or calm not both. bringing back hysteria is a requirement for success. emotions, seemingly intense or actually intense or any reversal of these any potential combination of these two descriptors is ideal as long as its overwhelming.
(11 am) im in northhampton ma. i think this is the first time ive been cold in a long time. ive been sitting outside an egregious amount for someone whose jacket doesnt have pockets, whose jeans are too short and whose socks are too thin. ive been thinking about the poetics of space again and the experience of looking and feeling and seeing from a distance. there should have been a chapter titled "through the window" or some other equivalent or "a glimpse in the corner" or some other equivalent. the former for looking at things when youre sprawled in your bed on some lazy weekend when its so much later in the day and youve already done some things and you just want to lay and look. you cant hear whats happening outside you can only see leaves rustle so so slowly. the latter for the pause when something catches your eye and you turn so so fast to your left. always to my left. i wonder why that is. i turn my body to the right and look left. i see something and all time stops all of my being becomes that single moment that will never end and it never does. im sitting here with my blinks lasting 10x longer than normal and occuring twice as often because my eyes hurt and the pressure is too great. some abstracted great pressure pushes out from where i dont know. today i bought expensive 3 pairs wool socks that need to be handwashed and air dried. im imagining sometime soon, dressing myself in the morning standing infront of my closet. i place my socks up and to the left. i look left and i see the socks and a stare for a while and i grab a pair and feel the wool between my fingers. it will feel so nice in my hands. i cant wait to feel such nice things in my hand. recently, every time ive laid down in my clean freshly washed sheets ive smiled and pulled my duvet closer.
(10:25 pm) fell asleep instead of writing this
(9:42 am) im in class buying perfume instead of paying attention. this is much more important than anything else that i could be doing at this moment. i ordered it and i was so smart and thrifty and didnt order another perfume even though it makes sense for shipping because i have no idea if i would have liked the perfume i ordered. i prefer roller bottles to spray because they last so much longer and they feel so intimate. i love to feel the cold lines of frangrance as the oil evaporates on my skin. i need more perfumes to be more prepared for more situations. i need to enter more situations so that i can prepare for them and that the preparation wouldnt feel doomsday-y but instead would be cool and well thought out. detail oriented is how i would be described. keen to details too. maybe even prescient. i am prescient but only after the fact.
did not start
(9:35 am) in class again. head hurts saw perfect blue last night. didnt get home until midnight. ive been doing my skincare more regularly, but not fully regularly... breaking of patterns... inability to establish patters. repetition is best thought as not doing again in similarity but in a continuation of an original through some theater. in mornings where i know i wont go outside and where i forgot to do it last night, i will put on vitamin c on top of my new eye brightening cream. this invokes the feeling of being on the verge of tears all day. last night i had one drink before the movie and now have a head ache. this is invoking the feeling of being on the verge of tears all day. its later now. its after 5 pm now... barely. i ordered new titanium earrings because i lost one of my most important ones recently. ive been keeping silver in my ear instead almost 24/7. basically 24/7. im too weak for the silver and too scared for my piercings to close if i dont have something in it almost continually. im typing this in a talk where there is a semi-weird tension between the speaker and a prof who keeps asking kind of half dismissive questions that are more like expressing exasperation with the speakers claims because the speaker isnt being nuanced enough. i cant tell if i dont understand the talk or if the speaker isnt actually explaining things very well. he is going to be here for like 9 months. and ill see him around and recognize him and he'll see me around and probably recognize me and that will be funny because we will never talk. we have nothing to say to eachother but there will be some mutual understanding and acknowledgement of the other. probably because i am typing a little too loudly and he is still talking and hes probably mildly upset. its ok im mildly upset too and that will add onto our mutual unspoken acknowledgement of eachother. ive been told im recognizable. i often dont recognize myself and that causes me to feel extremely strange. especially when i remember anything from the ages of 16-22. 22-25 has been better. 25 has been pretty good. i recognize patterns for better or worse, i will continue to recognize patterns slightly better so that in the future it will still be for better or worse but hopefully ill stir them towards the better. i am currently trying to do that.