i emailed jean a few days ago and she responded with this drawing to describe her mental state when she was in new york a few weeks ago and didnt reach out because her plan was to feel extremely bad. my plan is to feel extremely good but right now i feel extremely bad, it feels silly
i am overcome with a grief i never thought i would experience again. when i was 21 when i was 22 when i first started living in florida i was overcome with regret and failure and decisions that i thought, at this point, i had moved past. i am inconsolable in a way that feels embarrassing. people dislike how i use the word embarrassing, i mean it in that you didnt move past something. you were unable or unwilling to live your actual life. i mean it in that something happened to you anything at all happened to you. how could you let that happen. my life has been divided into periods of 4 years, half of the time in each of these periods is marked by extreme grief and confusion and shame at the prior decisions ive made, that it took until now for me to learn to realize what i actually want (beauty, clean sheets, a balcony, infinite time (or, atleast, an inability to process the passing of time), north facing windows, to never be touched again, to be touched so much, for shame to wash over me into action) i think because ive never actually seen the stars i dont crave them, i feel so late to every thing as if everyone has already been doing it all since before i started. the other half of the time is spent in... not that. not in grief at the very least, sometimes confusion without the grief, sometimes a deep appreciation, last summer was so lovely when i would sit on the couch and look out the window feeling bad. i felt bad but it wasnt grief. it was maybe a looking forward too far into knowing what i will lose as opposed to what i had lost. there are still so many things to happen. this is when i was so afraid of trees and how they made me feel. when i would see trees moving in the wind they would make my mouth water. i was getting ready to throw up. they were warning me of my incoming dissatisfaction maybe. maybe they were just letting me know they were there. i had some more to say some specific and beautiful things to say, but i talked to three older women in the park while i was typing and now feel better, not good, but better.
(almost 11 am) they should start burning plastic.
nothing today
nothing today
i only have 30ish minutes to type up this message before the day ends. ive spent all of today typing up and application to something i dont think ill get but i still typed it up either way. this month has been excessive and unbearable. ive realized a writing tick today that i do because ive been writing so much today and i find it a little embarrassing that i didnt realize i did it or maybe that i didnt mind that i did it. but i break up my phrases into two. i find it difficult to say just one thing. im always using two adjectives to describe something. "excessive and unbearable" more than just this month has been excessive and unbearable. at some point the unbearability is my own fault most likely. im okay with the excessiveness. ive told everyone for going on two years that i love the excessiveness. and i do. i cant help but love it i just wish that my memory was better so that i could hold onto it so well. most things deserve atleast two adjectives, im not going to stop this tick or lean into it. im going to make a note of everytime i do it and when the tallies in that note hit 100 i will go out to dinner to celebrate, ill go to a new french restaurant and order the same things that i always want to eat at a french restaurant, ill also order the things that i really want to order but it always seems a little unnecessary to order. oeuf mayonnaise, escargot, onion soup gratinee, tartare, duck confit, frites. the excessive thing to order is the oeuf mayonnaise everything else is basically necessary. i will order all of this and drink 4 glasses of wine and be so so dizzy and satisfied. and ill stumble home and fall into clean sheets. all of my greatest dreams end with my falling into clean sheets. i hope i never have to sleep off linen again. i hope im wrapped in it every moment of rest i can get. its important that im wrapped its important that it covers all of me. its important that my duvet cover is the same one ive wrapped myself in every time ive felt ill and sick of it all since i was 20.