august 11th

(morning on a plane) im on a plane and i am unable to turn off the screen infront of me, behind the seat infront of me. nauseous and it all feels so wrong.

august 30th

im on a long train ride, the second longest ill have taken in my life. this one from chicago to new york via west virginia. ive only seen the appalachians once before and it wasnt through this path, it wasnt really through them, it was kind of just a stop along the way. i dont want to think of things in this way anymore. there's this paige lewis poem: on a train a man snatches my book, reads a few lines and says "i completely get you." i think this is how it begins. something like this. i have no memory of the middle despite having read the poem atleast ten times. some sort of back and forth i think introspection, etc. it's not the good part, the good part is at the end when they reveal the purpose of the train ride is to meet their beloved so far away to go pick real apples from real trees for the first time.
the purpose of this train ride is to go on the train so far away. ive never experienced a summer forest in this way. the trees look smeared like oil paint on the hills above me. there is no such thing as a single leaf. and if there were, if there were a single leaf somewhere, none of us would ever be able to find it. isnt that sad. i would still look from the train as i passed by the forest and endless trees on the hills. my cheek would be pressed against the warm window (warmed by the sun and also my cheek) as i looked for a hint to where the leaf would be. a single point of inspiration is all that is necessary. most things can be learned by trying again and again and checking if you did it right each time. im trying to catch a full look at a leaf but i can only get a glimpse. the train and is moving too fast. when the train is stopped i am moving too fast. it's all a blur but im still looking for one whole leaf. my dream is to take a train like this but i am in full control, when i get a glimpse of what i think is an actual beautiful leaf i slam on the brakes. i get out i hike to where i think i spotted it or where i think it might be. its not there, oil on a branch, im covered in bug bites im tired. i didnt prepare for the trip. i go back to the train i take some notes i continue. i do this until im done, whenever that may be.
the sun is gone and the window is no longer warm. i need help right now in a way that i know could not be given to me as long as i am where i am. there is something so disgusting about the expanses of green i am seeing because i know, and i hate that i know, theyre full of a false life? is that the phrase i want to say i dont know if it is. an unconnected life lacking in productivity? i dont think thats a phrase i want either. i dont believe in productivity, i believe in some sort of egregious continuity. not egregious in its abilities but egregious that i would believe things are connected as much as they are. no two things are needed but everything is in total. of course everything must come together but we do not have the capablities to know how just that they will. this is not convincing or satisfying or secure to me to believe, but i do. i see kudzu out the window, i see miles and miles of kudzu and i am scared.
i'm listening to sun kil moon now.
i'm still listening to sun kil moon now, but i didnt really want to talk about it.
this update was supposed to be 5000 words long. one tenth that is probably fine. i couldnt think i couldnt be ok and i was confused the entire time. all of this is still true.