(1:30 pm) so much of my time is spent feeling confused and unsure unwelcome and ill-fitting. our bodies (we are our bodies) are capable of detecting changes that dont fall into the normal experience and sensations that we expect or that we normally encounter so those changes must be pushed out and extremized and felt in ways that dont align directly with whats happening, because whats happening isn't a direct sensation in a traditional sense. our (my) lives are so busy that weve (ive) lost the alignment and understanding. what im saying is that people used to get shivers and could feel the pressure change and make predicitions on the weather based on how they felt. what im saying is that yesterday it was cloudy and today a high pressure front moved in and pushed all of the clouds away; my body (i) associates a lack of clouds with dying (i hated growing up in santa clarita). what im saying is i didnt even realize that it was sunny today or that the weather had changed but that this feeling of losing clouds is buried into my experiences and that high pressure fronts make me want to die, physically, my body is telling me to die that horrible things are about to happen. how unfortunate because im having such a lovely time. otherwise.
(afternoon) i think grimes' song rosa is about rosa luxemburg. many things are about rosa luxemburg. i havent read rosa luxemburg to any degree that could lead me to being described as having read rosa luxemburg. i doubt grimes has read rosa luxemburg either. it's unfortunate to be a martyr with only the martyrdom to go with it. she did so much and died too early, she was unable to inspire revolution in germany because of so many reasons, for us it would be worth it if she succeeded, in life or in her death. would she have considered herself successful if she reached her goals at the cost of her life? would i? i havent figured out yet if my goals are more or less ambitious than global revolution with myself being the principle start of the beginning/end of history. my desire for a cute apartment is maybe more ambitious and important than all of that and everything anyone ever has thought of.
(night) green tea. the tea is green because its actually mint tea.
(shortly past midnight) my microwave is so presumptuous: it displays "food is ready" when the timer ends
(almost 8:30 in the morning) im doing laundry before work. im trying to be clean so so clean. i read blue of noon by bataille last night; reading other peoples criticism makes me want to die. any attempt at a thorough analysis of a work through metaphor should be stopped, any attempt at a thorough analysis in general should be stopped too. any attempt at creating a work that lends itself well to a thorough analysis should be forbidden. bataille almost did that but luckily hes kind of bad at writing and his works are so specific to him. he's useless and indecisive a bored rich kid who knows he is one. even at the end of this book he puts a paragraph about how it was written over a decade earlier and is being published at the behest of his friends who have read the draft. impotence dead friends dead colleagues and a failed project. atleast he feels bad and knows hes useless.