(before 7 am) ins: cardigans, nutmeg, emails still, loveliness, japanse sweet potatoes, intensity bordering on severity, signature scents, codependent romantic friendships outs: justifying, coming out, scrolling, products, named styles, novelty, light beer outside of summer (almost noon) i took a walk today down the hill i grew up on to the park i grew up next to. i never really went to this park. its close, but not that close, to a child it is so so far away, we werent allowed to go that far alone, to a tired parent its also very far away to walk to.
(7 am) ordered perfumes using my moms apple card for myself for christmas. specific days of giving are silly to me even if there really isnt a difference between giving on a specific day and giving around the expected time. i usually end up giving around the expected time instead of on the expected day. choosing the things for myself at the desired time. someone shoulds psychoanalyze this about me and not tell me or hold it against me if it reveals negative unaddressed issues that make my relationships worse, and eventually, when i do address and grow and make amends with myself and others, send me an anonymous letter or somehow an anonymous email saying how proud you are of me. i will then become very upset and anxious for a small and particular amount of time that someone knew that only a single phrase and description and realization could have helped me, but that it was withheld. the clandestine (i just relearned what the word clandestine means) nature of this task may be difficult to bear, so only those who think they are capable of a multi year commitment to me should even begin to attempt this. only people who are capable of at least a one year commitment (2024 being the year) should involve themselves. this is the year of intensity. of pulling and pushing and connecting to others in a way that is deserving of our own vita and virginia woolf letters equivalent (i have not read the letters between vita and virgina woolf and only imagine that this not only makes sense but isnt a horribly toxic and potential life ruining things to seek out) waiting on emails waiting on texts waiting to go home and buy more vases while having no chairs... flowers for my vases in the middle of january will be lovely. ill get a bed frame soon so that i can feel more put together as in so that i can sit while eating without my food being on the floor or myself. my meals will become intentional and plated with maybe too much care. i actually did my budget and included money i think i owe the government and my budget to live on per month is actually like only $500 a month. which is a fine amount, less sacai skirts to be sure, but im already so lovely and the best art is made within limitations. realized im going to get a gym member ship so its actually $400... this is also acceptable...
(1:22 pm) im in nebraska. i dont care for it. i would trade nebraska for something far less productive and far more beautiful, like the azores. i dont even care about island beauty like that and still would trade it. i would trade it for much less than an isolated island chain. im so nauseous trying to type this and to try to do anything while in this car that is going slightly too fast and very too far. the grass is short here. does it even make sense to call it grass, when i say grass i mean like a lawn or even better like an unkempt and uncared for lawn and even better a large prarie of local and indigenous plants. the grass here is barren fields of grain. grasses turned into crops turned into seeds turned into the basis of so much. the grasses are cut short the fields arent barren theyre full of roots. air turned into grain, waves and patterns that make me feel ill. how much grain grown here is consumed secondarily. i think most, i think most is grown actually to make me feel sick and to upset me. to enforce a structure that would pefectly upset me and lead to me driving 30 hours to chicago along a perfectly paved path listening to fleet foxes so loudly. it was all grown to lead to this short unfortunate blog post "only for a redeemed manking has its past become citable in all its moments" there will one day be no difference between major and minor events: currently, i can see that all grain ever intentionally grown has led to this moment.
(early afternoon) im in chicago. im making decisions and plans that will be so perfect in the structure of my life and how sweet and lovely i am and will be.
(around ten thirty) im spending an improper amount of time trying to be beautiful. i should be spending a far larger amount of time. i should be spending an inordinate amount of time. an amount of time that makes people who would not describe themselves as beauty seeking... no, people who would react negatively to the phrase beauty seeking, consider something wrong with me. or maybe, i could say, should say, that those people would not react really at all. would react in a way that could be considered confusion, an inability to understand. after typing inordinate i looked it up the etymology on etymonline to see if inordinate meant not ordinal, inability to be organized. i would like to be inordinate. i will be inordinate and inconsolable and maybe even ineffable negating the previous two. i started using etymonline second semester of sophomore year because my english teacher that semester was really into etymology and latin and greek. he successfully/unsuccessfully groomed my high school girlfriend which is funny in that its the first thing i think of when look up etymology. the second thing i think of is how important words change the least over time. in some old dead languages the word for water is also water. ineffable experience of time. i remember it all.
(a little after 3:30 pm) i can never delete twitter because i find so many things that make me feel so extremely bad. that make me feel so extremely upset in a lovely way that i can hold onto in a way that makes me want to change everything ive ever done or decided on. im in chicago still, im leaving to go back to new york in a little under 5 hours i think; in a little over 5 hours i'll be on a long train ride back to new york with my bike. ive been missing my bike so much, ive been missing going so fast and being in such mildly dangerous situations. mildly dangerous as in capable of turning into tragedy, but it usually doesnt. im sitting on the floor infront of a heater typing this. narkis and eunsoo are playing mistki together. im feeling extraordinarily bad and have been since this morning when i read some of the camille moran papers. you should read the camille moran papers. "a feminine boy is like leaves falling upward, and a child of difference is not allowed to exist on the face of the earth" "i was not raised as a gender but as a bug of a child to be smashed. i am nobody's victim. my body belongs to me & so does my holy brain" "children have bodies to never be violated, minds to be appreciated and developed without being struck into hiding, individual personalities to be considered, preferences to not be intruded upon, and talents to be encouraged. tehy have hopes and wishes to be lifted over the gravity of shame. there are desires forming within them that will evolve with conscience into shimmer vision" where did it all go wrong, has it always been so wrong. i think it has been and might always be. i think i just feel really bad after reading this because things havent actually gotten acceptable since the 90s and i cant even ask camille if things are that much better than when she was alive and growing up. i dont believe in continual progress or really progress at all, jaded and melancholic, but i still feel really really bad about so many things.
(almost noon) im ok now im on this train and im going so moderately fast so far that a moderate rate isnt really appropriate. how long is this train i think im getting in around 7pm and it left at 930 pm last night. im getting off getting my bike walking to the subway riding it down about 30 blocks then getting off and walking home (i have slightly too much to carry and my tires are definitely flat) and then going up to my apartment and putting everything down then going back down the elevator and getting all of my packages (i hope i can carry all of them in one go i ordered slightly too many thing while i was away) then im going to shower and maybe even bathe wash my hair and try on my perfumes that are sitting there perfectly, perfectly waiting for me because i ordered them so perfectly to arrive perfectly the day that i arrived
(almost 8pm) head hurts, blaming ben because he convinced me to have two beers at lunch when i actually wanted an iced matcha. actually he wanted a beer and didnt want to be the only one drinking so i got a beer too, but then realized a pitcher was $20 and a beer was 7 and i was so thrifty and said we should do that. again, ben's fault but my negligence. i live on ibuprofen, i live on baked sweet potatoes; the latter is a recent addition to my life. endlessly increasing preferences and wants and traditions.
my life is defined by lulls that make me want to vomit looking back on. infinite mind plasticity to end this starting so so soon. reading to engross myself in intense thoughts and emotions. biting nails in anticipation of what is to come and not unwillingness and incapability to move myself. when im not reading i should be writing when im not writing i should be eating and when im not eating i should be cooking for the people i love and i love myself and i love so many people. megan sent a screen shot from her class saying people with anorexia often become obsessed with cooking and become very good at it as a means to exert control back over eating. that doesnt apply to me because i would never let myself be accurately described by a label as short as one word. im making plans to cook for myself in such lovely perfect ways. im going to eat so much tarragon i will sweat and smell of anise.
(almost 4 pm) i need to be egregious and obvious. nuance should leave me and end up sad and alone bleeding so so slowly in some sad sad place
(8:50 am) reading chevengur. someone on good reads said you can only live to read this book and theyre right. some unending guidance place to place seeking what is right and good. this is probably what every book wants to be and everything less than it is unfortunate. that is probably what every one wants and everything less than it is unfortunate. im doing laundry so that i will have clean wool to wear. there are no leaves on the trees right now or looking at them would make my mouth water excessively. in chevengur everyone is so hungry, people mainly eat rusk and cram themselves into trains and drain their strength for the promise a bag of wheat. im imagining the taste of a millet porridge, and how much lovelier it must be to finally have some milk to add. dreaming of the smallest amount sweetness and fat. my recent dreams are dominated by strange appearances that dont actually matter, people entering my apartment without my allowance, unexpected leavings; if i could receive one long message from the people i love monthly i think i could respond with an equivalent amount of fervor instead of my current lacking, expected lacking even maybe.
today i will see a movie today i will read and write and drink coffee and submit my work today i will be clean and let my mouth water and the simplest of foods, and then, tomorrow, i will eat raw beef and feel it is the perfect meal, and, then, i will feel so disgusted and not by it being raw or by it being wet and maybe the wrong temperature, but because i have felt unsatisfied at things that were so entirely under my control for far too long.