(late afternoon) im dehydrated, im so thirsty i could die. im so upset. i could ruin so much. ive only had one diet coke today, im going to have another. it will have lime and ill put it in a cup with ice. the joys of life are so simple. im on my balcony, a building across from me, the tallest building near me has black smoke rising out from a vent on top. it's too warm to be from heating; they must be still choosing a pope. it feels like its been so long since i came home. i left work at 3 because i couldnt imagine getting anything done in the time i would be there. 4 maybe 5 maybe 6 periods of thirty minutes. half hours on earth what are they worth i dont know. the sun sets so late here and the berries are ripe for picking for those with open eyes and open hearts. sitting on my balcony i can only think of my teeth shifting so slowly, of how i wore my retainer every night for so long and finally when i was about 20 i decided i had enough. it was unnecessary. i abandoned it slowly and without care until, if i wished to continue the pattern, id have to pull my teeth back in. i think thats a bit much.
(8 pm) when i decide to rest, or force myself to sleep, when i lay down i take the inside part of my left arm, i take the crook of my arm and i lay it across my eyes. it's the most melodramatic way to lay down. a deep sigh of resignation. it guarantees that its dark, that nothing outside of me will disturb my eyes' rest. ill set an alarm for only about 20-30 minutes even if i intend to rest for an hour or more. i dont intend to sleep only to lay down and rest. the alarm prevents me from entering an actual deep sleep. when the alarm wakes me up i set it again so that i can go back to resting my eyes. during these intervals of half wakefulness, i have extremely vivid memories that bleed over into my half sleep. im inducing experience back onto itself. i force my experiences back onto myself. i think of where ive been. i think of every recent conversation and how much more attention i wish i would pay to everything and everyone. its grass like this that will drive you insane. its this one unending vision of trees that will drive you crazy. nearly all living mass on earth is taken up by trees. i think of the wind blowing through all of them. of the wind blowing through a specific tree that changes all the time. there are only a few specific trees in my life: the one outside of simonas window that i could see through the window from that green green couch, the ones below my current apartment that house so so many birds that you can only notice in the early morning, the one out front my house in santa clarita that i would swing on until i broke the branch that hung over the side walk, the one behind my house in santa clarita was that there before the house was built and is no longer there while the house is still built, i cant think of any others but there are others (there is always others). theres more to say, there's always mroe to say, but i will rest now. maybe even sleep. without an alarm who knows but my arm will be covering my eyes and it will be silent in my room.
(8 pm) it shouldnt be so abstracted to eat so simply. all of the stores i would love to go to should stock only a few of the things i would love to eat. they should all be layed in mildly winding path that goes through a beautiful city and ends near where i live. it should start with the bakery so as many people as possible can see me carrying a baguette in a cute way for as long as possible. if you ever see me carrying a baguette feel free to ask me for a bite or a kiss ill oblige both. after the bakery will be the wine store where ill get a chillable red perfect for a summer evening. if you see me carrying a chillable red feel free to ask to come with ill pour you a glass. im at the cheese monger im close to home. find me we can split the baguette and have it with some brie or brie equivalent. unfortunately the tomatoes are for me and me alone more or less. only a select few are allowed to share the summer tomatoes with me. happy first day of summer by the way, i hope you enjoyed it. i hope you did something that made you feel summer whatever that means to you. it's humid here in new york so itll never be summer for me it'll only be upsetting. i live for fall i live for the long walks with the leaves falling but its summer, it's too early to be talking about this it hasnt even hit october yet. i'll talk about the leaves falling and how specific memories that happened in indiana will never let me recover whatever that may mean later. how seeing mammatus clouds in indiana made me feel sick in a way that i couldnt process until years later and how im still processing it. there will be various other stores between the cheese store and my house. a farmers market that isnt every day but will be enough days that i dont have to plan around it. a tea store slightly out of the way that i wont pass by every day but instead only when i remember that i need more tea, that i need so many more teas that i never lack the perfect warm drink. the closest store to my home will be the butcher. it will make me feel ill when i glance at the door that swings behind the counter, when i imagine what has happened before, all of it, and what has led to this specific situation. if i could understand everything that has come before, i might be okay, but i cant. all i can do is know that so much has come before and that i must experience the results of it all. how unfortunate how sweetbitter.
(8 pm) it's windy today and this morning there was a bird dead on the concrete at the half way point of my walk to work. i wore my new frankincense perfume today. i just reapplied it in preparation of typing this. the application of perfumes in the morning is maybe one of the most important things i can do every day. i always apply to my left wrist and to my neck. i then rub my wrists together and then place the back of my left hand across my neck. its summer so i shouldve worn a summer scent or atleast a day time scent. not something so warm and wonderful. i was trying to hold onto the heat of the previous week and because of that i was made to accept the cold bird on the hot concrete. i wonder if it was migrating, i wonder if it wasnt migrating it was just trying to get somewhere better than where it and we all are. i just switched from listening to no love deep web to the car seat headrest tiny desk concert. i might as well be a bird dead on the street. something is deeply wrong and i cant tell what. today, instead of doing so much of my work, i read a long long essay about this woman's experience being long term passively suicidal and quitting anti depressants. im not going to link it because i dont remember how to link things directly off the top of my head. it's called ugly, bitter and true. her name is suzanne rivecca. i found this because of a tweet, i find a lot of things on twitter so i can never delete it... unending connection with so many people. the post was just a screen shot of an interaction with a therapist suzanne put into the essay. "i don't know what's going to come out of me, it has to be perfect. it has to be irreproachable in every way." why? "to make up for it, to make up for the fact that it's me." i wonder if she's read weil. i wonder if i also come across as self effacing as this. i wonder if i'll ever recover whatever that could possible mean. i dont know if i believe in the concept of "okayness" i only believe that things will be fine. this is such a mild distinction that i could write an essay about it, i could sit down one on one with someone and explain it to them with a deep sincerity i didn't know was possible and it's possible they would come out of the conversation not understanding what i mean. but thats fine. i wouldn't have gone into it with the expectation of understanding i wouldve gone into it with the willingness to communicate and express but no expectation of understanding. maybe this is too passive, maybe i should raise my expectations of everything. maybe it's find that i continue on with no expectations. maybe it's even fine that i do this. either way i'll continue and either way i'll continue. i always have and i always will
(night) sometimes i am always beautiful. before intense thunderstorms, the increase in pressure, if strong enough, will cause panic and dread to wash over people and animals.
(afternoon, beautiful) i need sublime development. not a sublime development, but a process that a month in i know i can no longer stop. to lose control of everything in some way to bring about extremeness in all my decisions and wants and emotions. today when i felt like crying i sat on a bench under a tree and listened to music, and while i listened to music i cleaned under my nails. i did this very intently and for a very long time. even now im cleaning under my nails so intently. i can still remember how i felt when i was fully engrossed in the act and forgot everything else. my eyes hurt and i want to lay down with my arm spread across my face and my perfume on my neck.