(so so late in the day) reading walter benjamin, always reading and rereading walter benjamin and feeling bad. there is not difference between the major and the minor events of the world. i feel so sick that i believe i am capable of discerning. that ive discerned and decided and still do that ive become uninvolved in anything that has ever happened. please buy my marni loafers, theyre a size 43 but theyre really more like a 44 or maybe even like a 44.5 its wild who approved of this sizing, is the brands quality control that bad? theres no way that it was this clearly and purposely made and then just sized so so wrong. my feet slide out of them i wore large socks and my feet still slid out of them. if i wore large socks and had large insoles put in my feet would still slide out of them. unwearable. if i wore them i would be a target. if i had to run i wouldnt id walk with my feet sliding out because touching the ground outside is forbidden except for my shoes and when youre grabbing something cute and free like a lighter. or a pen. you should only touch the ground when youre sitting on it really. please someone buy these loafers off me. theyre actually so nice its just that none of my outfits go with them, none of my pants are lovingly large and pillow out and layer down onto them. i would mind being so vulnerable while out in ny. if lived in la still id embrace that vulnerability because that make sense. how far would i have to walk? 100 feet? id willingly walk 100 steps with my feet slipping out in a very silly way, unable to protect or defend myself. willing to accept an unbecoming end that was brought onto myself due to my own choices. this is what life is about, but here, here where i have to walk so so far, it wouldnt make sense. i have to walk so fast everywhere all the time. and if someone saw that i was wearing shoes that are too big, and not on purpose, itd be too much. imagine if someone saw me and realized i wasnt fashionable, or thought that i didnt make every decision with an intense and deep intentionality that pervades my being and make me feel ill. so so ill. they would say something like. no they wouldnt they would think something like, i can tell. i can tell that person didnt size those shoes to be that big on purpose, they thought they were getting a good deal but instead are stuck in a weird limbo situation and are unwilling to let go of the idea of the perfect shoe. were all seeking that perfect shoe but even worse than seeking and not finding is holding onto what shouldnt be. i would be so so embarrassed if i made eye contact with someone and could tell this entire thought process was occurring. id be red in the face for sure.
(almost 9 pm) in the city. in all of the current cities there is no back and forth between stars of the night and the sun. its just the sun.
(evening) how embarrassing to not finish typing that last update and coming across as faux wise, but i am committed to never deleting or rewriting or combining posts into a way that makes sense. i was going to write about a passage from blue of noon, but i am now in chicago and my copy of blue of noon is ian new york so i will have to write about the feeling of the sun on your eye lids, of looking up and seeing only blue and knowing that that only difference between day and night is that at night the sun no longer overwhelms the rest of the stars everywhere.
(afternoon in chicago) its the afternoon and im in chicago. its snowing. i just took an hour long bath and read weil's essay on the iliad. its on the iliad but its not really on the iliad. its about force. its about the iliad. its about turning people into things and a push back and forth between glory and defeat and how unfortunately unavoidable it all is. i have only a few more minutes to write before i have to go eat dinner. if i could apply force to my own body and it would bring glory and terror i would do it, but i have to be oh so gentle with my delicate skin. my back is covered in stretch marks because i was too forceful in my life with my skin. when i get piercings the bleed and pulsate for weeks unwilling to calm down. my helix piercing may never heal we'll see if its still in in a couple of weeks. i got it on a whim, i hurt my ear on a whim. its not even that lovely if im being completely honest. when i sleep i place my hand in a way such that, when i rotate onto my right side, the side that my piercing is on, the side that i actually prefer to sleep on, that i did not consider when i was getting it pierced, i wont rest on the ear itself but instead on some combination of my hand and my face and a tensed back. i havent been sleeping very well recently if im being perfectly honest.
(10 am) the problem with domestication is that is goes both ways, its that when youve gone ahead and labeled something youve entered into a contract with it and that that contract will extend regardless of the guarantor's or guarantee's wishes because it goes both ways. that everything goes both ways is such an important concept that hegel and newton both had to come up with it and were both lauded separately for the discovery that things go both ways (also probably taoism but this is an occidental house hold). when i push on something it pushes on me thank you newton and when a relation is upheld i ignore everything that goes into its maintenance. i dont like thinking about what upholds relations i can barely uphold myself. i bend to so many things that its amazing i get anything done. still wondering still so curious if i get anything done. one day ill get everything done to rival everything that has been done to me. today is not that day, but there is always tomorrow there is always a week from now until there isnt. but for now there is thankfully. perfectly wonderfully thankfully.
(afternoon) i broke one of my favorite plates just now and have decided that this is the last straw, this is the moment from which there is no return where i have realized (decided) that things are not getting better and wont get better. the correlation between how good things will eventually be and now is zero; between how bad things will eventually be and now is infinite, there is now telling how bad things will become, we can only try to force the ratchet of decay into a position we consider livable. not even livable, survivable maybe. hopefully. my head hurts from a lack of caffeine and too much rose, the window is closed and i am suffocating. the thought of staring at a screen for so much longer makes me upset, but i dont know how else i will make it through. they should invent a way out that is not through they should invent a way around that is not upending and false they should invent a way through that doesnt make me shake. most of my problems would be solved if i gave a pattern and regularity to my day to day that extended for months and months maybe years and years. if i structured my life, in a way that i was the structurer, there would cease to be headaches, actual physical headaches. what i mean to say is that if i ate every day at a similar time, and i lived in such a way that i was constantly preparing small snacks, small perfect snacks for me to eat, then things would stop getting worse. i have already ordered a pair of plates that are identical to the broken one to replace the one that i broke. theyre small and perfectly sized to hold some cucumber and some cheese and some crackers and some fruit and other small things.