(so so early in the day)
(so so late in the month) i havent had anything to say i havent been overwhelmed in the same ways anymore. all i can think is that i want things to become simpler, but i think simplicity might be the end. i dont know of what but the end of something i may or may not be holding onto without realizing. you can hold onto things tightly without knowing your hands are closed. if something is tied to your hand and you let go, there isnt really a difference is there. today a sign asked me to not remove laundry carts from the laundry room. ive attached a photo i took of the sign below. this sign was very well taken care of and well constructed. maybe most people who saw it agreed with it. above the well taken care of sign were two laminated pieces of paper, one didnt really ask of anything directly, the other i forgot what it said. the one i remember said that it would be nice for everyone if everyone kept the area clean. it was high up and out of the way. there is a lot more concern about the location and maintenance of the mostly broken laundry carts than of the general well being and usage of the room. when i walked into the room this morning to do my laundry there was a cleaning lady inside sweeping (the laundry room is very large by the way there are about 20 washing machines), immediately after i set my laundry basket down i spilled oxiclean all over the floor. in embarrassment i put my basket on top and hid the spill from her until she left and i could wipe it up with paper towels. it took about two trips and i had to scoop up the powder onto my hand mostly because i spilled so much and it didnt really stick to itself of the paper towel or anything. i imagined holding the oxiclean in my hand for a long time and waiting for it to dissolve, (you arent supposed to use it on silk because silk is a protein and oxygen released from the oxiclean (that's why its called oxygen clean) loves to react and rip it apart) and see how long it would take for it to give me a chemical burn. its a well liked product, its a well advertised product used for such a normal everyday task. you never hear anything bad about it, no one warns you about it. itd be interesting if it actual could hurt you in a normal situation. the most normal situation one could imagine like holding a wet cleaning chemical in your palm for 40 minutes. these are normal things. everything that i do is normal because i did it, as soon as ive done something once it becomes normal and as i know and you know and as everyone knows i am the most normal person to have ever lived. i am a central character that so much is based around. but so is everyone so its not that interesting of a things to say.
(almost 8) "don't want to have a career just want to have ecstatic visions of christ" last night but mainly this morning, i had a vivid dream of someone dying. she was dying very quickly, much much quicker than everyone around her. she was making a movie of her favorite art for her friends. she was cutting and pasting photos and film together to make it. she was doing so many different things to edit it all together. i dont know if she realized that you have to add so many copies of a single frame to get the image to show as she wanted it to. at one point she just added on different post cards to the reel. it didnt really end up as a playable movie so much as a portfolio of the most impactful things she had ever seen. i was watching it partially all at once partially as she would have wanted it to be seen. there was a lot of impressionism, a lot of images of hands. so many hands. it ends with a long shaky fade to near black and the appearance of a grainy desaturated image of mary. she was delivering the portfolio to some festival. i started to recognize the people around her who she had made the film for. when i realized i had been watching myself i awoke. i was more tired than when i had fallen asleep. my favorite painting of hands is by andre derain; it's a painting of his niece sitting in a chair her left arm across her body with the hand resting on her right wrist.