15 minutes to my birthday im only going to type until my birthday. twin, twin. megan is my twin. we were born days apart miles apart. twin twin when my light shines it shines for you twin. i hope you see this. i hope you read this. i hope you read everything ive ever said or will say. youre my twin you need this i need this. i like to dedicate my writings to people because i want you to know i felt and lost something in writing this. that i was actually inspired and thought that this was real and inspired. a writer writes but im not really a writer. because i dont write. if i could write i would write of us and every time weve ever laughed. and every time weve struck so close. i dont know what else there is. that's all we are and im okay with that. that's better than most. that's better than all. my twin. my twin. minutes minutes minutes counting. this isnt going well because im not a writer im a rememberer who is always late. i just remembered that i should live near you but i dont. i just remembered that we were supposed to cook dinner together. i just remembered that things were supposed to be so so good. oh no oh well oh oh oh oh god. i think it's fine. i can handle this for now. but if youre far forever then what even is the point?
(almost midnight) is it too late. should i consider doing something else. i dont fell well. i dont feel good. i feel like i should have something better to do than to bite my nails. all i can do it bite my nails and think that there should be something better to do. i feel sick. i know better now than to chew the nails i bite, i only bite and and throw away. you arent really meant to chew on it. the other day i had a dream. the other day i had a stress dream. they always involve teeth. in this dream i still had braces. i hated having braces, so in my dream i removed them. i pried my braces off my teeth and it ruined my mouth. in the dream the braces were holding my teeth in place. they immediately shifted and started falling out. i had to keep my mouth closed to keep my teeth in. they were loose they were moving around in my mouth. i begged for them to hurry i had to wait so long for them to readjust and fix them. how long can you keep your mouth closed with your teeth shifting. maybe i could do it for the rest of my life. it felt like i had to do it for the rest of my life. i couldnt imagine a world where my mouth wasnt closed and my teeth werent loose. right now, im sitting right now, and all i can imagine, is that for the rest of my life ill be sitting there. ill be hunched over and in the corner stuck thinking about, not the things ill eat. but if ill ever be able to eat. my teeth will be so loose forever, im sitting there, do you see me, spitting my teeth into my hands. i cant imagine a different world. that's the problem with dreams, theyre secretly limiting. my dreams go as big as my hands. as big as the teeth i can hold. i wish you could help me, if we could share eachother's hands i bet we could hold twice as many teeth.
(night) i feel nauseous. i threw up my entire meal earlier in the week. it took a very long time. and the previous week on my birthday i also threw up my meal. i feel like i have to throw up again. food isnt coming to me easy at this moment. im watching the mothers npr tiny desk. this isnt meant to be a long post or an important one or an inspired one. this is a reminder to myself to watch it later. every day even. maybe forever.
(night) i am now watching mothers live on audiotree live. this is actually better because i like the songs better. this is actually better because youre only allowed to like one tiny desk concert and must abandon all others and im choosing the will toledo one as my favorite. i dont even like car seat headrest like that. in particular but not in general. kristine leschper is so cute in this video. we have a similar hair cut 9 years apart. i remember really wanting to look like her, not in particular, in general. there were many people i wanted to look like. i still want to look like her. in particular.
it was a nice day out. i didnt spend much of it out. kim told me she felt crazy and trapped because it was a nice day in florida and she was steps from the beach. at her work there arent really windows. the amount of time i spend looking out of windows is far below the right amount. today as in this morning as in earlier it was so nice i could have passed away. i was sitting in my chair i was laying on my couch i was napping on my couch i was drinking coffee and eating an orange without segments. one reason i chose to move into my apartment is that there are massive trees in the back. one of those massive trees was so ellow with flowers and is now so green with new leaves. the other trees are still bare. do you think they feel embarrassed next to eachother? i would be embarrassed. i havent felt embarrassed in so long as long as you exclude deep personal embarrassment. i mean embarrasment about the state of everything. i wish i could sit here and look at the trees forever. i wish this was the end of everything but its not, theres so much more and that's the problem. there are four people in my aparmtent right, it was a beautiful day today and i didnt really go anywhere. i went to get lamb for easter that's all i've done. in my apartment is ben and ashley and izzy and eleanor and me and all i can think of is jumping out of my window. ive been making lovely cocktails and food and all i can think of is jumping out of my window. today i took out the child window protections so that it's easier to jump out of the window.
april 24th