15 minutes to my birthday im only going to type until my birthday. twin, twin. megan is my twin. we were born days apart miles apart. twin twin when my light shines it shines for you twin. i hope you see this. i hope you read this. i hope you read everything ive ever said or will say. youre my twin you need this i need this. i like to dedicate my writings to people because i want you to know i felt and lost something in writing this. that i was actually inspired and thought that this was real and inspired. a writer writes but im not really a writer. because i dont write. if i could write i would write of us and every time weve ever laughed. and every time weve struck so close. i dont know what else there is. that's all we are and im okay with that. that's better than most. that's better than all. my twin. my twin. minutes minutes minutes counting. this isnt going well because im not a writer im a rememberer who is always late. i just remembered that i should live near you but i dont. i just remembered that we were supposed to cook dinner together. i just remembered that things were supposed to be so so good. oh no oh well oh oh oh oh god. i think it's fine. i can handle this for now. but if youre far forever then what even is the point?
(almost midnight) is it too late. should i consider doing something else. i dont fell well. i dont feel good. i feel like i should have something better to do than to bite my nails. all i can do it bite my nails and think that there should be something better to do. i feel sick. i know better now than to chew the nails i bite, i only bite and and throw away. you arent really meant to chew on it. the other day i had a dream. the other day i had a stress dream. they always involve teeth. in this dream i still had braces. i hated having braces, so in my dream i removed them. i pried my braces off my teeth and it ruined my mouth. in the dream the braces were holding my teeth in place. they immediately shifted and started falling out. i had to keep my mouth closed to keep my teeth in. they were loose they were moving around in my mouth. i begged for them to hurry i had to wait so long for them to readjust and fix them. how long can you keep your mouth closed with your teeth shifting. maybe i could do it for the rest of my life. it felt like i had to do it for the rest of my life. i couldnt imagine a world where my mouth wasnt closed and my teeth werent loose. right now, im sitting right now, and all i can imagine, is that for the rest of my life ill be sitting there. ill be hunched over and in the corner stuck thinking about, not the things ill eat. but if ill ever be able to eat. my teeth will be so loose forever, im sitting there, do you see me, spitting my teeth into my hands. i cant imagine a different world. that's the problem with dreams, theyre secretly limiting. my dreams go as big as my hands. as big as the teeth i can hold. i wish you could help me, if we could share eachother's hands i bet we could hold twice as many teeth.
(night) i feel nauseous. i threw up my entire meal earlier in the week. it took a very long time. and the previous week on my birthday i also threw up my meal. i feel like i have to throw up again. food isnt coming to me easy at this moment. im watching the mothers npr tiny desk. this isnt meant to be a long post or an important one or an inspired one. this is a reminder to myself to watch it later. every day even. maybe forever.