(night) the sun still sets so late. i dont like using the only lamp i have in my living room bc the bulb is too bright and gives off some half way incandescent vibes which i really dislike.
(evening) ive spent the past 3 days reading about school shooters and not much else. i think this is healthy and good for me.
(afternoon) ...............................
this blog update is under review until futher notice
(early early morning) bens being deported. bye bye ben ;-( see you space cowboy. we are going to go to montreal because of how visas work he has to just leave and reenter and then everything will be allowed under different rules. not everything, but the things the visa allows will be allowed. tautology. he is not outside of these rules he is under them. unfortunately... this thing allows the things that it allows. this allows what it allows. Incorrect categorization. this is the end of the ben era. i love ben and i miss him and he isnt even gone. hes right across from me. im going to make him uber home at so early in the morning because i have to go to work. but if i didnt i would let him stay, or i would even let him stay if izzy hadnt taken my spare keys with her but i have no spare keys right now because they are with her. i would let ben stay in the country too, but he cant stay in my apartment while im away because i need my keys and who knows what hijinks he would get up to in my apartment while im not here to ground him. anyway this isnt what i set off to write, what i set off to write is the following: i almost emailed my therapist 6 days in advance (more like 153 hours in advance) that it is very important that she does not advance the calendar before i get there. i want to be there when she moves it forward to the current month (it is usually few days late because she is only in the office w-f and that is 3/7 of the potential days in a week that could be on the first of the month, and she allegedly always does it with her first [client] of the month but she doesnt always remember. it is unimportant if it is the first of the month what is important is that we are there and get to react to the new image of puppies or kittens or puppies and kittens and sometimes just cats or dogs or cats and dogs together), because i have decided that it is very important that i am there for it. i still think that i should remind her of this and tell her, but i think doing it this far in advance at a crazy hour would be an insane thing to do. not because i think it's an actual insane thing to do but because i want her to think im well adapted and normal and doing well. well as well as i tell her i am and that i am not usually up at 1 am thinking about how in less than a week i will have a very small little interaction that i really do enjoy. it's important that you do things that bring you joy, it's important to put a disproportionate amount of effort into the different things you do when compared to the out come because if you were to actually enter into interactions (all you can do is enter into interactions) with cost benefit analysis dis affected affected
i did not go to montreal with ben... yet