july 13th

ive decided this is the most important video ive ever taken. izzy said that she can see me making a pond scum situation out of the trees in my back yard. i dont know what she means. i think its a reference to thoreau. ive never read thoreau. i dont actually know anything about him and think that's fine. ive been doing this with trees in general for years. since i decided to start freaking out and being unwell instead of just being unwell. there's no sound on it because it's a gif. there is definitely a real actual way to upload this as a video with sound that you can click play on and appreciate directly but i dont think my writing should have an explicit aural quality. i also don't want to learn how to do that. if you want to hear it let me know. if you want to hear it tell me and i will send the video to you any way you like. later ill describe how it sounds. much much later.

july 19th

(izzy guest spot) izzy is an expensive (but not too expensive) hooker. Her problem is she only tolerates her own very specific kind of off-putting person. Her other problem is being honest and just asking for a thousand dollars from one of these people once they've met all her criteria of: not too old, not too fat, not too bald, not too fascist, not too stupid, not diseased, and just not too ugly. She forgets that they're the ones who put themselves in the cesspool and its a favor to them when she narrows them out of it, not the other way around. As if her specificity had anything to do with their character. The last one couldn't keep it up which was confusing. That's like shelling out for a michelin star meal after getting your stomach stapled. He has two Maine Coons. Then she got it: It must be nice to have a paid attendant to make eye contact with you while you rub your flacid cock on her. She felt like a Physical Therapist. She wonders what physical therapists charge to get came on three times. They were on the same team! He also had a barrel chest, which made him look blockier and fatter than he had to, and it's insurmountable, nothing can be done. Good thing his face was pretty okay. He might also have been a pedophile. He'd get harder when she shot up the octave. When did the barrel chest go out of style? Now only sweaty married men have them. They used to be in James Bond, and now if you have a barrel chest you need to pay at least 800 dollars to have sex. Your nipples don't sit right. You're short-waisted, which for a grown man is a situation. No matter how fit you get you'll always look like an elderly extra on M*A*S*H with your blocky pectorals supporting some JOHN DOE prop dogtag. Barrel chested divorcees and hip-dip hostesses finger fucking each other under midtown tables across the universe xoxoxoxo

july 23rd

(evening) i never really considered ever before in my entire life that i would develop some form of seasonal depression instead of just regular depression. as in, im very upset that the sun is setting now instead of entering into some permanent endless near setting situation. i dont think this counts as seasonal depression i think it just means i dont want it to get dark at all, not just dark later. this seems very important to make a distinction between.

july 26th

im too self assured. i think im too self assured. i think everyone is in love with me and that it only makes sense that they would be. today i spent some amount of time in the park, about an hour, as i was leaving i saw someone with a lamp tattoo on her arm. on her right arm. i said the only thing that made sense very loudly and directly at her, which was "lamp." she looked at me and was confused for a second before she realized i was just showing how similar we are and how much we had in common. our matching lamp tattoos on our right arms. hers was ugly and looks like a mushroom. she asked me if people ever asked me if it was a mushroom. i said no. i felt embarassed for a second because i thought mine was so bad and looked so bad and not like a lamp anymore, but who ever did hers was so bad and did so much worse and made it look like a mushroom. theyre similar sizes so the only explanation is that her artists was so much worse than my mildly incompetent artist. i initiated conversation and then was talking for a bit but i wasnt that interested. it mightve been bc i didnt think she was that cute. is that problematic that i felt that way. i was already on my way out of the park and im going to assume that's why i didnt want to stay there talk for longer. i ended the conversation so clearly and precisley with a perfect and well controlled "ok bye, im going now :-)" which i thought was funny. i dont know her name because i didnt ask her her name. she also didnt ask me my name. i hope she spends too much time thinking about the interaction, more than i spent and wonders why i didnt ask her her name or keep talking to her or make the conversation go on longer than it did. im too self assured but still want every one's approval, i assume i have everyone's approval. i assume because i do have everyone's approval unless they are in charge of me and my life and my work and etc. the people that actually matter to me approve of me ^_^. obviously. if they didnt matter to me they wouldn't approve of me ^_^. right kian? when you read this kian it's imperative that you text me and say "i approve of you adam michael guerin" okay? im extending this to everyone in my life who reads my blog okay? that means, if you read this and i know you read this and don't respond to this we are now on bad terms. i dont know who reads this so its okay i wont be on bad terms unless you specifically say to me, i read your most recent post/i read your july 26th post and decided that i don't approve of you, i've decided that i want you to know that i read your writing and have opinions on it and wont share anything constructive or supportive or anything at all except that i have no opinion and don't even want you to know that i support you. this person would be my enemy. obviously i have no enemies though because im so lovely and my self assurance leaches off onto people and they also become so self assured and feel as lovely as i do towards life and everyone around me/us ^_^ ^_^ ^_^

july 29th

(night) no one has asked me what the sound is actually in my most important video ive ever taken gif. im imagining everyone is waiting for me to describe it so they can listen for themselves and rate my ability to describe my physical experiences (all experiences are physical). obviously the better option would be for people to have asked me and then wrote their own description and not told me and then when i wrote mine we could compare and see how my act of recording it and remembering it makes it and seeing and listening to it on the camera would be different than the actual video that is removed from (nearly) all experiential context. the so many layers of me explaining my experience and showing you my experience and then you trying to extrapolate out from everything you know about me and how i act and think and feel into an actual series of words that we can read together seems a bit important. regardless, the video, when listened to on the camera, hurts. if you can actually hear it it hurts because the camera has such bad speakers and so many of the what were actual noises come across as static. you can tell there are birds but not how many. you can tell its the afternoon and there is wind. maybe someone is shifting in the background, but probably not. the static and the birds go on for a bit. the static mixes with the small amount of wind in such an extreme way that makes it sound like youre in a rainforest. or atleast that the rain is bearing down on so many things and you can't get out of it. this goes on for a little over ten seconds and then theres a click. my camera has a cute portion in the front that slides up and down covering and uncovering the lens. moving this will turn the camera on or off. i dont press off i just cover up the lens when im done. i dont remember it being that windy that day. i dont remember there being much sound at all in that side room looking out besides just the birds. but now when i think of it and place myself laying down and looking out i hear so much static. this is how i feel about everything.

july 31st

(izzy guest spot #1) No one ever holds anything behind them as they walk. You see a lot of in-front carrying, arm tucking, side-sporting. Imagine grasping your phone or a cucumber and letting your limp-wristed arm trail behind you, fingers working overtime. What's that got to look like? Lazy, leisurly? I don't think so. It could appear negligent, like whatever object could fall behind, unnoticed, like ill-secured goods from a giant unassuming truck onto the highway. You know better though; your fingers are unexpectedly rigid. It's got a nonchalant protective aire to it, this behind-carrying. You're walking in front of whatever it is you're grasping. Unlike the scoliosis waltz of a full bag of groceries--or the sleepwalking we do, phone out in front, leading the way--you have the capacity and inclination to guard your cargo, not too heavy, but precious. Who the fuck are you hiding that cucumber from? Lots of cultures carry babies on their back, I would know, I'm the anthropologist who invented cocaine. Some people tie babies to their front. I think this is a question about where we anticipate danger to come from. Isn't it more likely that danger will approach from where we can't see it? Or are you just more afriad of what you already see? I bet you are, I'm saying you are. That was rhetorical...