(night) im in france, the sun doesnt set until so late here. the latest ive ever experienced the sun set is this, this is the latest ive noticed it set. this isnt something ive noticed until recently. im reading the longest book ive ever actually planned on finishing and feel like im capable of finishing and its starting to make me feel so strange. its making me feel so bad. it feels like a dream. i can feel everyone in the story is entering a weird dissociative episode where they cant believe what is happening. everyone wants out everyone wants to know why this is all happening. there's a life outside of their own going on that they just can't grasp. the glimpses of truth dont last. i dont think they want them to last, but they dont realize it. i think they want out, but they dont know they want out, everyone dives in dragged around and unable to escape these events that they call their lives. they could all evade and escape all of these horrible horrible things happening. i think they love too hard. i think this is everyones fault in this. well not fault, it's not their fault, but it is what theyre being punished for. and the worst thing is, the people are all punished for loving in a way that exceeds what has been doled out to them, as in, if you wanted a beautiful long life free of harm, you never should have been born on the outskirts as someone who has already been decided as undeserving. if you wanted to be free from harm you shouldnt have been someone so easily ignored and forgotten. even a dozen of you dont matter even 100 200 of you dont matter but maybe 250 would give notice but thats about it. thats really about all the would happen. thats all that has ever happened.
(day, morning even) im in france still but now in the middle of nowhere.there are so many bugs here. in france in general i mean not just here in the middle of nowhere, but also every where. in nantes and caen and paris and the other places ive been while here. theyre in the grass and above you while in conversation and they cover the leaves of the trees. i dont remember there ever being so many bugs on a single leaf before. if i were a bug i would want to be a caterpillar on a leaf crowded with other caterpillars. there are stars here so many stars in the sky here. i forgot about those. i dont remember there ever being so many stars in the sky before.
(night but still day light) ive started reading spinoza. ive started sitting down and reading ethics by spinoza. ive decided (did i decide?) to enter my second religious arc like i did with weil a few years ago. maybe this one will be more structured maybe this one will be scarier. it will definitely be more medicated.