(noon) i have decided to have a second religious/spiritual awakening. i have decided to have it after reading walter benjamins essay/letter On Language as Such and on the Language of Man. i think this is a smart decision. i think this is also the only decision to make. i have decided this because i dont know what else there is to do. or maybe out of boredom or maybe out of excitement. i feel excited. i feel hopeful and im looking forward to... i dont know what in general. i know in particular, but generalities are the experience of life and particularities are the memories (experience) of life. im drinking an excessive amount of caffeine at the moment because i havent done that in a while. the other day i drank black coffee on an empty stomach even though it makes me nauseous because i hadnt felt nauseous in a while. ive never plucked apples from trees, only cherries, only as a child. i followed instructions too well as a child and did not eat the cherries right off the tree. we were charged based on weight and allowed to roam in the orchard picking. if i could pick as many apples as i wanted off a tree i would only pick two; one for now one for later. if i could pick as many cherries as i wanted off a tree i would pick one handful; half for now half for later. the second half will be a little dessert. this essay that made my mouth water and my heart hurt will be my little dessert.
(little after midnight) how late is too late how early is too early. the right time is when the one that makes you not grit your teeth. the candle in front of me is burning too calmly. it's burning clean. it's not moving. if i stared at it for minutes or hours or days it think it wouldnt change. im not sure that everything ever changes. if i understood that things changed i would not be in any situation similar to what i am currently in. i am not currently in a situation. i would not describe as my current state as a "situation." that's not serious enough. i am seeking a far more serious word to desciribe what i am experiencing. i've been reading adorno recently. i've been reading minima moralia. i've been trying to understand why things are wrong, i've been trying to understand fascism and where everything went wrong. not just with me; with everything. i dont know if the belief of a turning point of wrongness would make me feel better or worse. was everything always on this downturn, downturn is the wrong word, was there ever a downturn or was it always heading this way. a downturn implies, that things were going to be better. i think that's less hopeful than already giving up. if you believe, and this is hard to believe, i'll be amazed if you do, that, and i really mean this that i will be amazed, that those of us today are more hopeful and have a stronger sense of justice and love and amazement for the future and eachother than those of 100 years ago who failed so unfortunately, then i would ask you to share what you know. i feel more comfort in knowing that the best of us were doomed to fail than the best of just werent good enough. please let me know.
(almost midnight) narkis left this morning. it feels like it's been so long since he left. his plane left 14 hours ago. it landed 12 maybe 11 hours ago. if you round correctly it will always be correct. bin your answers. group your experience and everything will come out fine. im trying to get at something so particular. i dont know immanence. i dont know what people mean by immanence. i dont know that i dont know. i wish i knew that i didnt know instead of this current state of misunderstanding. i think this coming year will be for this. being 27 will be the year where come into an understanding. when bataille was 27 he read nietzche. when he was 30 he wrote the solar anus. when i was 26 i was confused and unaware. when i was 25 i was confused and unaware. wnen i was 24 i was confused and unaware. when i was 23 i was confused and unaware. when i was and etc. there were bursts of understanding. i miss those. i havent had one in a long time. im chasing the clarity. if i were to end up in a situation where, i couldn't understand, but specifically what i mean is that, not that i didn't understand, but that i put in an appropriate amount of effort, that i went into something without a burden with all of the capabilities that i could have to understand, and that after that appropriate amount of effort, i didnt understand, that would be the end. there is no coming back from that break. ive always been able to force an understanding regardless of everything else. im worried this might happen soon. ive been avoiding reading things that i should have long ago. ive been avoiding learning the thing i should have long ago. i feel more lost than i ever have. as if everything ever has come and gone and im here, picking at pieces, having missed it all. this sounds excessive this makes me sound emo but dont worry, i have fresh veggies in my fridge and im looking forward to them. if this sounds like a nonsequitur its because you havent internalized how delicious a parsnip actually can be.