may 9th

(morning) ive been so sick. all i do is sit in my chair with my window open. its raining and has been raining every time ive felt so so sick.

may 10th

(late night) at night my apartment doesnt feel like home. at night i dont feel like home. home would be nice if it was always nice. the point of home isnt that its always nice but that there's always somewhere to return to. i live alone. there's nothing to return to except more dishes and more mess. i am unable to keep up with myself and my wants. i have lost a pillow case and thats unfortunate. it was white and linen. i wish i could hang up linen sheets. on every wall and over my windows. i wish i could forever be surrounded by clean sheets. when i think about clean sheets i feel ridiculous because my obsession with them started from a neutral milk hotel song. it was around covid when i read leave society by tao lin that i became obsessed with cleanliness. ive mostly lost that need because it wasnt a need it was an obsession. it was unhealthy and made me feel bad and awful and i was using baking soda based natural deodorant that didnt work. thank you narkis for telling me i smelled bad when i lived with you (i dont really smell bad any more bc i dont use baking soda based natural deodorant just native deodorant which is organic and aluminum free and makes other people smell not so good which means it's probably so weak and not bad for you. it doesnt make me smell bad) what im trying to say is. im so normal and healthy now compared to how i used to be. what im saying is i toss and turn and wish i could change out my sheets every day for new clean ones not because im so unhealthy but because its what we all deserve. it's not obsessive