i was gifted an omen yesterday.
the omen killed my moms cat
the omen was the following. on saturday i was in my apartment cooking and cleaning and doing my tasks when a bee flew in my open window and tried to find something it would like. it was very interested in my beer, but i wouldnt let it have it and i shooed it away as it would be dangerous if it actually went into the bottle. i tried to get it to go to my apple cider, but it wasnt interested. i was wearing my sweater which has purple stripes so the bee decided it was interested in that next possibly looking for nectar or whatever. i decided it deserved some sugar water so i moved so slowly to the kitchen and was so gentle in my gathering of sugar and water that the bee stayed on me the entire time. after preparing the bee's feast i guided it over and helped it realized that there was something sweet for it. i watched it drink the sugar water for just a bit and only for just a bit because it quickly lost interest. it flew into the glass of my window trying to get out. it did this a few times over and over before i decided to help it. an open window didnt help. it was lost and stuck and needed my help so i corralled it knowing it wouldnt sting me and helped it out the window. i felt satisfied with my attention directed experience and went back to cooking and cleaning and doing my tasks. about 30 minutes later i took a sip of my beer and almost swallowed a drowned bee. i felt the bee on my tongue and it hit my teeth too.
the other day my dad called me to ask how i was. he asked me if my mom had told me about how chanel had passed. my dad is funny in a way that he refused to call chanel chanel and instead named her war kitty. he also named her daughter battle cat. my dad is very bad at expressing himself or telling things directly or at all but he wanted to tell me himself even though my mom had already told me. the round about way he told me was that war kitty went on a mission and it didnt go well, that she's not returning. he said it slowly in a way that made it hard for me to tell if he had planned on telling me of her passing in this way or if he was going to be direct. his voice wavered as he told me. in my phone saved i have a photo my mom sent me along with the news. shes wrapped in a blanket and in the back seat of the car. i dont know when she took it. i dont know if she had passed when it was taken or if my mom knew she had passed when she took it. when she called me later she asked me something about her eyes in the photo. i didnt really respond. im looking at the photo. her eyes seem the same as always. chanel never sat on you and didnt like to be held. she would sit next to you and if you didnt actually pet her, she would stay for hours. if you stood next to her and reached down she would recoil. i would place my hand in front of her head and she would kind of head but it so she would have complete control of how and where she was being touched. she couldnt really meow it always was so strained and had a delay as if she forgot she was meowing when she opened her mouth and only remembered at the end.
(night) the other day my mom called me. we were making thanksgiving plans. she's going to boston and im going to boston and we are going to meet my brother and we are all going to go to cape cod. my moms best friend is from cape cod. she lives in new zealand now. her name is donna and when she was around my age maybe a little older she met a man who is now her husband in santa monica. they fell in love got married and moved to the the housing development i grew up in. the husband, paul, eventually decided he had enough of america and wanted to move back home to new zealand. they all moved back and our families are still close. their son shane is my brother's best friend. i like donna, im excited to spend thanksgiving with my brother and mother and donna and donna's family. about a year ago i was in cape cod and we visited donna's mom who lives in an elderly care home. i dont like elderly care homes. i was the first to walk into the room and she had no idea who i was. when she learned who i was she knew who i was. she remembered me as a baby, she remembered me as a very very small child. i have a single memory as a very young child before donna and their entire moved and it was taking a decorative sail boat that cannot actually float. i was told it cant actually float but i still put it into water in the sink and was disappointed that it didnt float. boats are supposed to float. i didnt remember her and it scared me. no one can process time. i cant process time. when my mom called me that day we were discussing little plans and she told me about chanel's daughter, one of the other cats my mom has, and how she was going room to room confused looking for chanel. they never really did much besides lick eachother and lay next to eachother and now they cant do that. no one can process time. i cant process time.
(morning) black coffee hurts my stomach in a silly way that doesnt even make sense. i think im supposed to only drink black coffee. and milk, and maybe year old eggnog. i need to take time alone. ive never had a cold christmas, ive never had a snowy christmas. im not going to have a snowy christmas but i am going to have a cold lead up to christmas. i cannot spend another month in florida, i cannot spend another excessuve amount of time in florida, two weeks max. thats my rule. ive established this rule right now along with with my only coffee and milk and year old eggnog rule. and maybe some juice. and tea and barley tea and maybe and maybe and maybe