if i were to (and i am going to) compare myself as i am now to an younger version of myself, i would say that i am most similar now to when i was 5 years old. there's a specific lack of fear i remember when i was 5 or at least very young from before i was too influenced in a negative way. i dont know if i would describe the situation and emotion i felt through my ages from 5ish to whenever i developed my eating disorder(s) as shame. i dont really feel shame anymore and i didnt when i was 5. i dont really feel guilt anymore and i didnt when i was 5. when i was around 11 or 12 or whenever i realized i was fat (i didnt get fat until around 5th maybe 6th grade or i dont know. i have an idea of how i looked when i was around 11 or 12 but not really before then) that was when i became (too) aware of my body and myself. it's a defining moment when my brother specifically insulted and shamed me for being shirtless and called me fat in a way that made me go upstairs and actually look at myself in an intense way and to scrutinize my body and how others perceive me in way that that i had never done before. that i would never really do again. that i would never remember having done before. before then i had felt strange and out of place in an unspecfied way. in that i didnt really feel bad whether or not i was out of place. it doesnt matter because what actually matters is that when i was 5 i was so excited an interested and not bored and looking forward to so much; now im 27 and not as excited and mostly interested and not that bored and looking forward to so much. my hopes are so much lower but everything else is about the same. my hopes weren't high when i was 5 but i have no hopes now. i just know everything will be fine and maybe even okay. it's called joie de vivre. im full of joie de vivre, when i was 5 i was making little jokes to make everyone happy. now i make little jokes regardless if it makes everyone happy because they make me happy.
there is actually only one song that's my favorite song and every time ive said another song ive been wrong. even before i heard the song four things by bench i shoulve known it was be my favorite. would be is and forever has too be. first thing never forget someone somewhere is suffering. second thing always try and act to seem like youre listening and let me show you in the meantime how mean i can be and let me show you in the meantime how mean i can be and let me show you in meantime how mean i can be third thing be aware of how loudly youre speaking and the fourth thing be prepared to never understand anything and let me show you in the meantime how mean i can be yeah let me show you in the meantime how mean i can be oh let me show you in the meantime how mean i can be oh let me show you in the meantime how mean i can be
yeah let me show you in the meantime how mean i can be and let me show you in the meantime how mean i can be please let me show you in the meantime how mean i can be never forget someone somewhere is suffering second thing always try and act to seem like youre listening even better if youre actually listening. i can you show in the meantime how mean i can be let me show you in the meantime how mean i can be third thing be aware of how loudly youre speaking and the fourth thing be prepared to never understand anything and let me show you in the meantime how mean i can be yeah let me show you in the meantime how mean i can be oh let me show you in the meantime how mean i can be
i think the song has been on my favorite songs of the year playlist every year since i heard it which wouldve been in maybe 2019. let me check. yeah it is. i lied i didnt check, i also didnt have a favorite songs of the year playlist until maybe 2023, before then i just had a long playlist called favorite songs that is now full of songs that i dont recognize or wouldnt call my favorite. last years (actual) favorite songs playlist is also full of songs that fall into this category. today i finally bought a table that i think is deserving enough to be in my living room and actual exist in my space. its been 11 months since i moved into this apartment. it has a copper top, and a cast iron base. ive been told by multiple sources that it looks like it came from a restaurant. im going to take that as meaning it is industrial and practical but also lovely. maybe not the cutest but enjoyable and usable. im enjoying it and using it. this is the first time i have divided my blog post for a singular day into paragraphs. it is also the also the last time