(night) i went the the neau gallery a few days ago. it was on saturday. i like the neau gallery because even though it's so small because i like to sit and stare at singular paintings by artists i like and have formed an unreasonable attachment to for a very long time (not that long by the standard of people that actually truly stare for a long time). i spent maybe a little over an hour there. about 30 minutes of that time was spent staring at a single painting by klimt, portrait of gertha loew. intimate portraits make me feel really bad. i think there is a specific intimacy that has been lost that i dont thing we (I) can recover. there is another painting there that i used to stare at too, but i dont anymore because i have a large print of it in my living room so i stare at it here instead of there. i dont know its name. it is a chic nude. after leaving the gallery i walked too far to a movie theater and watched the movie cemetery of splendour. it was slow and beautiful and made me feel really bad. i like things that make me feel really bad and dont really give any sense of hope. it's hope that i cant handle. the idea that this is the best things could be is satisfying to me. it heals me and let's me appreciate life and love everything that has ever happend to me. if i actually learned and knew, knew very intensely and deeply and, this especailly, actually believed that things could be better, that there was somewhere that this wasnt actually happening, i wouldnt be able to handle it. i can already barely handle all that has been handed to me. i have 18 days of my lexapro left, and 23 days until i see my psychiatrist i have been avoiding because i dont like talking to her because of the way she sees mental health (she sees things as a psychiatrist would: medication first). if i accepted that i could have made better choices, instead of that the choices i made were what i made and that's the end of it, that i could not do better in the future when i did as "best" as i could, that the "best" was not good enough, then i would collapse in on myself in a way that i could not recover from.... the movie ends with a two scenes. one is of a group doing calisthenics outside together slightly out of beat from eachother and from the song playing. the song playing is love is a song by DJ soulscape. there is a voice over that says the following: " there's a mountain of bricks. it spreads out like a flower blossom. it stretches to the sky. to devour the sun. it is very far away. it looks ominous and fearsome. it pretends to be a pure and flawless being. pretends to be as soft as a childs palm. before it disappears, the wall bulges and changes shape. as if it knows, that when it falls, it would be an astounding sight to behold." the other scene is the protagonist, an older woman, watching children play soccer over mounds of dirt dug up for some government project. thousands of years ago and beneath the new mounds there was a palace for kings. it ends with her looking into the distance and unfocused on the scene in front of her. her eyes wide and her face tight. she can feel the entirety of her life bearing down on her. i wouldnt describe the look on her face as fear. i dont think she's scared. if she looked scared that would do a disservice to what she is actually feeling. it would be a boring feeling. the worst thing you can actually be is bored of it all. to me, it looks like she is just unable to accept it all.