im reading more weil. im sitting at my dining table looking out the window still. it's still light out. looking out the window, sitting here and looking out my window is what i do. i've slowly been becoming more affected. my current project is eating all of the non-expired food in my fridge and all of the food in my freezer and all of the non-stale food in my cupboards. i have been very good at this recently because i have the least amount of money as an adult i have ever had in the past few years right now due to poor budgeting.
there is still wisteria out my window. there isn't supposed to be any wisteria outside at this time. someone made a mistake.
the heat wave was set about to kill the last of the wisteria. it's working. i feel sick and confused. i am sick and confused. larger settled plants need to be watered less often, to the point that it seems the correct amount is never.
the wisteria refuses to leave. it's mocking me for not enjoying the summer more like it is. what kind of wisteria lasts through all of summer. the flowers i mean. of the wisteria. not the wisteria as a whole. that lasts through much of all of the fall. the flowers bloomed all at once and then left quickly in the spring. some stayed hidden along and jutting out from one of the trees. even worse, some died in the first heat wave, and others came out in response to it. now im stuck looking out and having my gaze provoked. i want my sight to wash over unfocused. i want to struggle to find a point. i want to see so many leaves overlapped that i have to look away. when i look out my window, i see the 4 wisteria flowers. i see them so perfectly split apart as if to draw your eyes back and forth. there is a leader at the top that i look at the most, of course. but i look at them all and almost exclusively at them. im trying to remember seeing all of it. all i can see is the specifics. im going to keep trying to see all of it and to remember seeing all of it.